February 27th, 2014 by Darrin | Permalink
I just realized a few days ago that it’s been a decade since my decent into crystal meth hell! Boy, where does the time go?
My decent into this meth craziness really began early in 2004 and progressively became worse over the following 2 years until I ended up in a hospital with death breathing down my neck.
I’ll tell ya, it’s taken this entire decade to mentally recover from that experience! I thought the real horror was the actual meth and the paranoia but these past 10 years have been equally disturbing as I tried to rid myself of the guilt, the continued paranoia and shame from having done it in the first place. Read the rest of this entry »
November 16th, 2013 by Darrin | Permalink
Yup, I’m entering rehab! I signed up a few weeks ago and had my first meeting with my counselor. Okay, okay….I’m such a jerk, I’m entering Vocational Rehab!
What do they do? Well, they help you find a job or career you’d be suited for and I’m in great need of a job and a paycheck!
I didn’t know such a thing even existed until my therapist told me about it and she said I’d be an excellent candidate due to my bipolar disorder and neuropathy. You have to have a type of disability for them to help you.
I’ve been lost for as long as I can remember as far as a career goes. I’ve never had a job where I wanted to advance or excel at, work has always been torture for me and I’ve bounced from job to job for decades. Read the rest of this entry »
October 17th, 2013 by Darrin | Permalink
“There is something beautiful about all scars of whatever nature. A scar means the hurt is over, the wound is closed and healed, done with.” ~Harry Crews
My new therapist is amazing! I am shocked at how simple her techniques are and they’re actually very effective.
I still have a lot of emotional baggage from the days of my crystal meth use and that’s what I’ve been working on in my therapy sessions. Nothing else has happened in my life that has haunted me like the memories of crystal meth and the people that were around me at that time. Total assholes! Then again, meth has that effect on people.
My therapist was explaining my human mind vs. my animal mind and how they differ in the way they process information.
The animal mind lives only in the present. When the human mind remembers old emotional trauma, the animal mind reacts as if it were in the present and then the anxiety sets in because it believes it’s happening now. Read the rest of this entry »
August 14th, 2013 by Darrin | Permalink
I’ve been having a lot of good days lately but it only takes one bad one to turn everything upside down. I could have 150 great days but when the bad one comes, it’s like an asteroid hitting the earth. It only takes one big asteroid to fuck everything up.
I haven’t seen my counselor in several weeks. I skipped my last appointment because of my depression and I just didn’t care about anything. I didn’t care about the appointment or that she was there waiting on me. When I get like that, I just don’t care. Read the rest of this entry »
August 9th, 2013 by Darrin | Permalink
These words below are not mine, I received them in an email from my Mom. The author is unknown but I really liked it and wanted to share it….
A Birth Certificate shows that we were born
A Death Certificate shows that we died
Pictures show that we live!
Have a seat. Relax . . .
And read this slowly.
Read the rest of this entry »
July 30th, 2013 by Darrin | Permalink
“To reach a port, we must sail—Sail, not tie at anchor—Sail, not drift.” -Franklin Roosevelt
The quote says to sail, not drift, but that’s exactly what I’ve been doing my entire life …drifting. I’m pretty sure it’s because living with depression has been hard enough and adding a freakin goal to the mix has always felt like adding the impossible.
Over the last few weeks I have noticed myself setting goals in my head and today I realized how significant that is in my life. I think my added milligrams of anti-depression meds are actually working! Read the rest of this entry »
July 22nd, 2013 by Darrin | Permalink
“Work banishes those three great evils, boredom, vice, and poverty.” -Voltaire
I’ve never had a problem keeping busy and have always managed to find something to occupy my time whether it is picking up a book or cleaning the house. Lately I’ve been experiencing a boredom unlike anything I’ve experienced before. I realized that when I’m bored, I’m also depressed and vice versa.
I haven’t held a job since 2009 and that was only for four months. I had to leave due to all the injuries I sustained – mostly small cuts but you have to remember, I’m HIV positive so that’s a bad thing to have happen on a daily basis. You may wonder what the hell I was doing to get cut so often….
I was working in a retail store stockroom and much of the clothing in the store needed those little sensor tags used to prevent shoplifting. They were attached by poking a pin through the clothing and locking it into a sensor tag ……let’s just say I’m a klutz and I got poked by these pins constantly. Then I’d have to sneak them into the trash because I thought someone may get infected if I don’t….so ya, I took care of the HIV tainted pins. Read the rest of this entry »
July 15th, 2013 by Darrin | Permalink
“Here is the world. Beautiful and terrible things will happen. Don’t be afraid.” ~Frederick Buechner
I was recently thinking about the drugs I use to abuse and the trouble they caused me but it feels so long ago, it almost feels like a different lifetime.
It’s been around 5 years now since the last time I really did meth in an all-nighter or binge situation, but it feels so much longer.
I no longer feel an urge to do these drugs, the rush I use to get from using crystal meth is now a memory, although, the memory is still a vivid one. I don’t think my memories of feeling the rush of crystal meth will ever fade enough to forget but it does feel like another lifetime. Read the rest of this entry »
July 5th, 2013 by Darrin | Permalink
So you all know I quit traditional cigarettes and you know I’m using an electric cigarette, one that I LOVE!
Well, I recently ran out of cartridges for my e-cig and I was way too lazy to drive the 10 minutes to the mall and deal with all that crap that comes with it …the traffic, the parking, the walking, the people! So I said screw it, I’ll just go get a pack of traditional cigarettes at the corner store and that should hold me over until the e-cig cartridges I ordered online come in the mail (they are VERY fast!).
I get home and I light myself a traditional cigarette and something new happened; I was kind of repulsed by the taste and the smell! I never had this happen before but this was frickin awesome! It wasn’t awesome at the time because I needed nicotine. Read the rest of this entry »