I’ve hit some bumps in the road and I have been smoking again for about 3 weeks. I went 3 months without smoking before I fell off the wagon….again. I do, however, plant to quit and go back to e-cigarettes. Again, people around me were smoking and in a social setting, it’s extremely hard not to join in! First you bum a cigarette from someone else, then one becomes two, then two becomes a few until you feel so guilty you offer this person money for all the cigarettes you’ve smoked. Read the rest of this entry »
I’m an idiot. You would think in all my writing and all my doctor appointments, I would have realized bipolar 1 and manic-depressive disorder (or manic depression) are one and the same! On the other hand, my memory is very bad so I may have known this somewhere along the line.
This is why I get confused:
Doctor # 1 said – You’re bipolar
Doctor # 2 said – You’re major-depressive
Doctor # 3 said – You’re bipolar 1
I feel numb. Nothing matters enough for me to get anything done today. I don’t care, I just do not care. Yet I feel I had to do something so here I am ….I came here to type, to talk …to whatever.
I haven’t exercised in about a week or so, I lost track. I think I got annoyed because my partner cooks so good and it makes me think my desire for a flatter stomach is a joke with him in the kitchen.
I’ve been using marijuana to “fix” my depression and that gives me the munchies from hell and I can kill a bag of potato chips in one sitting …along with a big piece of chocolate cake. So what’s the point of climbing on the elliptical trainer? Today I say, “Screw that.”
Marijuana doesn’t always cure my mood. There are times when marijuana is totally ineffective at pulling me from the deep shit hole I find myself in, but it works pretty damned good most of the time. Read the rest of this entry »
“If you say that getting the money is the most important thing, you’ll spend your life completely wasting your time. You’ll be doing things you don’t like doing in order to go on living, that is to go on doing thing you don’t like doing, which is stupid.” -Alan Watts
I had my first counseling session yesterday and the hour was spent with me babbling on and on, going off on a thousand tangents, until I couldn’t remember why I was talking.
Eventually, it became obvious that I feel bad about not contributing at home in the way I wish I did. The amount of money I bring into the household is almost nonexistent. To make up for the lack of income I clean the house, including laundry, the windows, I cut the grass and feed the dog, cat, fish and birds. Read the rest of this entry »
“Happiness does not depend upon who you are or what you have. It depends solely upon what you think.” –Dale Carnegie
Going back to work has been a real source of anxiety for me because it’s been a long time since I’ve been employed. I never get called for an interview because I’ve burned too many bridges due to depression. I’ve made stupid mistakes and it’s led to a really shitty resume.
I posted a similar video before and it really ….I want to say, “inspires me” but I think I mean something more than inspire. I guess it makes me feel that everything will be alright, no matter what happens to us now. Does that make sense? I don’t really want to type anything else…. enjoy the video…
“Peace is a journey of a thousand miles and it must be taken one step at a time.” -Lyndon B. Johnson
Yes, you’re in the right place I just decided to do a little redecorating!
I was sitting here one day staring at my computer screen and realized that the old website theme was a little dark and gloomy. Not in a bad way because I did like the theme but I thought, if I noticed it then maybe it’s time for a change?
Earlier in the Journey
The old theme reflected where I was on my journey more than three years ago and it definitely was in a greyish time of my life. As I look back at some of the photos I used. it was downright creepy and a little depressing but that’s exactly what I had to express. Part of me was happy three years ago, but I didn’t realize I had a lot more darkness to journey through before I shed the trauma created by using crystal meth. Read the rest of this entry »
I still get cravings and I imagine I’ll always have these cravings to some degree because I’ve smoked for approximately 25 years. Since I can’t go back in time and slap that first cigarette out of my hand, I’ll have to be happy I quit when I did, but I really wish I could tell my younger self how much I would stink like an ashtray throughout my youth. Yes, yes, and all the carcinogens I exposed myself to during those 25 years is awful too. Read the rest of this entry »
It’s been a month since I started this so I thought it was time for a little update on my progress and thoughts…
I may not be exercising like a Olympian but I’m doing what I’m able to do and I feel if I keep at it, eventually I’ll get to where I want to be even if it takes longer than someone without all my issues.
“No act of kindness is too small. The gift of kindness may start as a small ripple that over time can turn into a tidal wave affecting the lives of many.” -Kevin Heath
Any act of kindness usually has a much wider effect than many people think. Kindness shown to one person spreads out and infects others, then those infected with good feelings infect others near them and so on…
You would probably be amazed if you could follow any act of kindness from one person to the next as it spread through that first person and on to a couple more. It can move through an entire building until it spills out into the street… or through the airwaves via your phone. One genuine act ripples out, infects everyone and inspires them to be kind to the next person. Read the rest of this entry »