Saved by Slow Death

“For each new morning with its light, For rest and shelter of the night, For health and food, for love and friends, For everything Thy goodness sends.” ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

I’ve been thinking about my recent self-diagnosis of psychological and emotional trauma and sure, I probably shouldn’t be self-diagnose myself and I also think I was having an unusually bad week! At the same time I still do think I suffered psychologically and emotionally from using meth with a bunch of A-holes ….that is a fact. Continue reading

“The scars you can’t see are the hardest to heal.” ~Astrid Alauda

There was a time after I stopped using meth and began medication for bipolar disorder when I felt exceptionally well. I felt healed and I thought the worst was all behind me then that wave of regret kept coming at me at an alarming frequency and I thought it was just the anxiety of past mistakes.

I always realized I had suffered emotionally and psychologically but I never realized that it was yet another form of trauma that went much deeper than I originally thought. I now know that I have been seriously traumatized, emotionally and psychologically, by events from my past. The events during my meth use that connected me to people who were masters at psychological games and abuse. Continue reading

“Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable.” ~Sydney J. Harris

Living with bipolar disorder (undiagnosed) until my late 30′s is making my current life (diagnosed & medicated) far more difficult than I ever would have guessed.

Throughout my life I have made more than my share of bad decisions but they didn’t seem that bad while I was making them, but I had no idea there was a mental illness that was short circuiting my thoughts. When I made a bad decision it never completely registered that it was bad. On some level I knew I was doing something really bad but it had very, very little meaning. Continue reading

“All the works of man have their origin in creative fantasy. What right have we then to depreciate imagination.” ~Carl Jung

As far back as I can remember I have always loved to be creative from plastering my bedroom walls with crazy things I made (like the dragonfly above), to being an art major in school and now writing here. Somewhere along the line I feel like I lost a lot of what I use to have inside. Continue reading

“Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, surrounded by assholes.” ~William Gibson

Have you ever wondered why you never have a good time no matter how fun the situation should be? Is the fun spoiled by unnecessary drama and petty bickering until what should have been an exciting experience has now turned into an episode of The Real Housewives? Does the drama make you feel bad or depressed about life because you are deprived of actual fun? Continue reading

“The art of medicine consists of amusing the patient while Nature cures the disease.” ~Voltaire

Bad moods and depression suck, and bipolar mood swings are even worse so when I feel one creeping in I usually burn a stick of incense and most of the time, it immediately puts me in a more relaxed and happier place. My partner saw me doing this and he mentioned it’s a form of aromatherapy, but until that moment, I never realized what I was doing.

One fragrance in particular works like a charm – it’s called India Temple Incense from Song of India. No other incense lifts my deprssion the way this one does, but I would think it is preference to some extent. Continue reading

“A lot of people don’t realize that depression is an illness. I don’t wish it on anyone, but if they would know how it feels, I swear they would think twice before they just shrug it.” ~Jonathan Davis

Over the last several days I have been growing more numb inside. My mood isn’t even an obvious depression, but one of  just not caring or giving a damn about anything and that’s the numbness I feel….as if I died on the inside and my body hasn’t caught up yet. I thought about writing here but didn’t because I just didn’t care enough to  …but while I was lying on my bed, I picked up my journal from the nightstand and just wrote and it came out with ease and that is what follows below.

“Things are no better and not sure if they’re worse. Is it worse to not give a damn about anything in my life right now or is it worse to be depressed about it? Depression would suggest some level of caring wouldn’t it? Continue reading

“The greatest of follies is to sacrifice health for any other kind of happiness.“ ~Arthur Schopenhauer

Anyone living with HIV and using meth should ask themselves, “Do I want to live or do I want to die?” You can’t have both as I found out, I did many things in my life that would make it seem I had chosen to die and I nearly succeeded. I realized I really wanted to live!

I can’t think of anything worse for your health than doing crystal meth while living with HIV. Jumping into an active volcano would be better because it would be over quickly as opposed to the drawn out ugly death.

Sure, you feel invincible on meth but guess what? You are more vulnerable to …..shit, to everything and you’re really signing your own death certificate. Continue reading

“Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius, and it is better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring.” ~Marilyn Monroe

I am an imperfect being with a list of imperfect conditions, says the doctor, but why do they all need their own labels? Aside from the obvious fact that the pharmaceutical companies need a reason to sell you a pill.

Why do I have to be bipolar? Why can’t I just be a moody bastard?! Maybe moody is normal and those who aren’t moody need to be medicated. Is it possible I’m very passionate about whatever I am feeling at the moment while other “normal” people are lacking passion? Continue reading

“Bipolar disorder can be a great teacher. It’s a challenge, but it can set you up to be able to do almost anything else in your life.” ~ Carrie Fisher

I recently began seeing a new case worker and doctor because I have no insurance. The case worker stated that she tends to question when a person is diagnosed with bipolar disorder because it seems to happen too often. Then I began to question if I am bipolar at all. Continue reading