Saved by Slow Death

“The greatest of follies is to sacrifice health for any other kind of happiness.“ ~Arthur Schopenhauer

Anyone living with HIV and using meth should ask themselves, “Do I want to live or do I want to die?” You can’t have both as I found out, I did many things in my life that would make it seem I had chosen to die and I nearly succeeded. I realized I really wanted to live!

I can’t think of anything worse for your health than doing crystal meth while living with HIV. Jumping into an active volcano would be better because it would be over quickly as opposed to the drawn out ugly death.

Sure, you feel invincible on meth but guess what? You are more vulnerable to …..shit, to everything and you’re really signing your own death certificate. Continue reading

“Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius, and it is better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring.” ~Marilyn Monroe

I am an imperfect being with a list of imperfect conditions, says the doctor, but why do they all need their own labels? Aside from the obvious fact that the pharmaceutical companies need a reason to sell you a pill.

Why do I have to be bipolar? Why can’t I just be a moody bastard?! Maybe moody is normal and those who aren’t moody need to be medicated. Is it possible I’m very passionate about whatever I am feeling at the moment while other “normal” people are lacking passion? Continue reading

“Bipolar disorder can be a great teacher. It’s a challenge, but it can set you up to be able to do almost anything else in your life.” ~ Carrie Fisher

I recently began seeing a new case worker and doctor because I have no insurance. The case worker stated that she tends to question when a person is diagnosed with bipolar disorder because it seems to happen too often. Then I began to question if I am bipolar at all. Continue reading

“Oppose not rage while rage is in its force, but give it way a while and let it waste.” ~ William Shakespeare

Being bipolar feels like you are living with a savage beast inside of you. Even though I am medicated, the dark side still has a tendency to come out at the least opportune moments. It is now rare and I usually never have to worry too much.

I was on the phone with my bank when it came without warning. I knew it was there and I had it under control (or so I thought) …..I turned on the television and tried to let it go out with a couple episodes of Will & Grace. Karen usually makes me laugh no matter what is happening in the world. It was working… Continue reading

Just a quick post here…. I went to see my doctor to go over my latest labs concerning my liver and the Hepatitis C. I thought I would show up to my appointment, get my results, get a lecture, and leave with a couple new prescriptions for the Hep C. Nope…

Remember, I began my own healing right after the diagnosis. Positive thinking and not thinking or focusing on the Hepatitis at all…..not the medication, not the potential side effects, nothing. Actually, I put the entire thing out of my mind until this appointment. Continue reading

I had a problem with my liver last month? Well… when I returned to the doctor’s office to review my lab results, I was informed I had Hepatitis C. Of course it couldn’t just be a liver issue because of the medication I am taking ….no, it had to be Hep C. I was a bit irritated by the news for a few minutes, then remembered it won’t help matters by worrying about it. Worry Hurts Health. Continue reading

“At any moment, you have a choice, that either leads you closer to your spirit or further away from it.” ~ Thich Nhat Hanh

My mom always says, “If it’s something you can’t tell your mother about, you probably shouldn’t be doing it.” I think she is right, I think we all have an inner knowing of what is right or wrong without anyone having to tell us.

Being bipolar throws a wrench into that way of thinking – for me it meant knowing this difference between acceptable or unacceptable behavior but not giving a damn which one I chose. I didn’t worry myself with consequences or what people thought about me, I just did things on a whim and said, “whatever.” Continue reading

“What seems to us as bitter trials are often blessings in disguise.” ~ Oscar Wilde

It’s nearing Independence Day and I can hear the fireworks going off in the neighborhood, unfortunately, these sounds always take me back a few years to the worst 4th of July ever. I was approaching my death bed quickly that month and you can read about all that in, Turning Point parts 1 – 4, if you want to know the whole story. If not, I’ll just say it was the end result of 2.5 years of heavy crystal meth use. Continue reading

“You probably wouldn’t worry about what people think of you if you could know how seldom they do.” ~ Olin Miller

Being an adult in the hospital without the ability to walk makes a adult diaper a necessity. Truly, it was not the worst thing in the world and I’m just grateful I was on morphine at the time yet, I was still mortified and all I could think was, “uh oh!”

Laxatives?! Continue reading

“He who refuses to embrace a unique opportunity loses the prize as surely as if he had failed.” ~ William James

As of late, my mornings have been like this lovely image I used….very psychedelic!  I have never been much of a morning person but after being medicated for bipolar disorder, my mornings now make me feel like I am in this surreal place. The earlier I wake, the more dreamlike and psychedelic everything seems.

As I sit and sip my coffee, I feel like a giant, fuzzy, cotton ball. I would assume that this feeling is a sign that my meds are working. I kind of like the feeling……no, I really like it! Sometimes I’ll be sitting here with this retarded smile on my face for no reason. Continue reading