“The greatest of follies is to sacrifice health for any other kind of happiness.“ ~Arthur Schopenhauer
Anyone living with HIV and using meth should ask themselves, “Do I want to live or do I want to die?” You can’t have both as I found out, I did many things in my life that would make it seem I had chosen to die and I nearly succeeded. I realized I really wanted to live!
I can’t think of anything worse for your health than doing crystal meth while living with HIV. Jumping into an active volcano would be better because it would be over quickly as opposed to the drawn out ugly death.
Sure, you feel invincible on meth but guess what? You are more vulnerable to …..shit, to everything and you’re really signing your own death certificate. (more…)
“There are some things one remembers even though they may never have happened.” ~ Harold Pinter, Old Times
Since I have been writing about my crystal meth experiences one thing has remained constant. I am not sure, nor have I ever been sure, of what was real and what was not real. I have had to accept the things I remember so vividly …may never have happened. (more…)
“All we know is still infinitely less than all that remains unknown.” ~William Harvey
This is my follow up to, Meth and Demonic Forces, where I had just learned of the theory that people with compromised and/or altered states of awareness can be influenced by unseen and dark forces.
Take into mind the quote at the top of the page and you have to know mankind understands very, very, little about the Universe and whatever else there is beyond that. Beyond the Universe how? Maybe more dimensions or another Universe? Maybe something beyond our level of comprehension?
No one knows for sure what is beyond and that is the point – we can only speculate. Denying the possibility that there are unknowns standing beside us or inhabiting spaces in dimensions within our own homes would be ignorant of us. There very well may be dark forces around us. (more…)
“There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, Than are dreamt of in your philosophy.” ~William Shakespeare, “Hamlet”
Twenty four hours ago I was completely unaware of the idea I am presenting here today. The idea of demons preying on people who have altered their state of mind and/or who are susceptible to these negative influences because of using meth.
Before going further, and as simply as possible, I want to define three words as I understand them from the sources I have read.
Demon – A negative or malevolent, non-physical, entity or being Possession – When a demon(s) inhabit and take over the physical body Oppression – When a demon(s) influences an individual without inhabiting a body (more…)
“Anger will never disappear so long as thoughts of resentment are cherished in the mind. Anger will disappear just as soon as thoughts of resentment are forgotten.” ~Buddha
Every time I mention how I have healed 99.9 percent from my past drug use, that 00.1 percent comes back to bite me. Perhaps I am acknowledging there is part of me that is not healed which draws attention to it and brings it to the surface?
There are a couple ways I think and I go back and forth…. One) I feel I want to keep that 00.1 percent part of that wound open to keep me from making the same terrible mistake. Two) I feel healing completely should be my goal to avoid pain altogether. Would it be more painful to make the same mistake or spend the rest of my life with that 00.1 percent? (more…)
“Good judgment comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgment.” ~ Jim Horning
G (ghb) is one of those date rape drugs which lets someone skip the date and move right to rape. A street name for the drug is even called “Easy Lay.” Need I say more? Yes, yes, “easy lay” also applies to a few of you who never touch the stuff, but that’s another subject entirely.
Popular in drug-facilitated rape because:
It’s colorless and odorless with a salty taste. (watch your Margaritas!) (more…)
“Those who were pre-ordained to have no good karma at all – gazing into the lamp of emotional attachment, they are burnt, like moths in a flame.” ~ Sri Guru Granth Sahib
I had a feeling…
I feel my joke of a relationship with Simon was little more than that, I was a live-in house slave.
Some evidence…
There’s a specific night hat I remember. As usual, Simon had invited two or three guys over to party and play, or in Simon’s case, do meth and lay there naked while watching porn. (more…)
“Those who are incapable of committing great crimes do not readily suspect them in others.” ~ Francois De La Rochefoucauld
There is a predator group in the gay, party n play, meth culture that will single you out, play off your paranoia, see how far they can push you, and it becomes their little game. It’s as if they are a lion stalking the weakest member of the herd, or a domestic cat that catches it’s prey and plays with it at length before the kill. Unfortunately, the words “weakest” and “prey,” mean the one who has a conscience, or the younger inexperienced one, or the naïve and trusting one. That person becomes a big target with bright neon lighting. (more…)
“When a sinister person means to be your enemy, they always start by trying to become your friend.” ~ William Blake
This week has been awful, my anxiety has sky-rocketed over disturbing thoughts I have been having about my past meth use. So here I am, about to get a little more out of my system so I can try to just let it go.
I have been learning more about the gay drug culture and it has been totally freaking me out. My current boyfriend has been telling me stories about his own experiences with drugs and those who are deeply rooted in that lifestyle. As I learn about his history, I can’t help but reevaluate my own memories and it has made them even more disturbing. (more…)
“Forgiveness is the sweetest revenge.” ~ Isaac Friedmann
As I sit on the sofa my heart pounds, my breath is short, and my hands are shaking. Memories of meth flood my mind, faces fly through my head, some clear, some blurred. A series of what ifs, and what don’t I know, go around and around in my head, over and over, never ending.
Sometimes I think I should be on another medication to help me cope, but I know that would only mask or hide what I need to deal with emotionally. This is the hardest part of my recovery. (more…)
Anyone living with HIV and using meth should ask themselves, “Do I want to live or do I want to die?” You can’t have both as I found out, I did many things in my life that would make it seem I had chosen to die and I nearly succeeded. I realized I really wanted to live!
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