“Tough times never last, but tough people do.” ~ Robert Schuller
One of the toughest things about crystal meth are the frightening hallucinations which are frequently caused by the lack of sleep.
I heard things that were enough to drive a person mad, and I think they nearly did. Hearing these things would end up causing me to break down and the roller-coaster ride of paranoia and hallucinations would be unstoppable.
It never mattered if I were alone in the house or not, I always heard things. It usually sounded like it was coming out of thin air, or from the walls themselves, or someone talking under their breath, or as if someone left a radio on in the next room. Sometimes it sounded like white noise or static when a radio station isn’t tuned in properly. They were only whispers, but at times were so loud and were all I could hear.
I would go from room to room looking under beds, in closets, behind curtains and furniture, in the shower, and even inside kitchen cabinets. One day I even crawled up into the attic because I was sure someone was up there, but of course, no one was.
After searching the house I would just do it all over again because I thought I probably missed something. I believed I would find someone and it didn’t matter how many times I had gone through this during the months and years before, the hallucinations always felt very real.
I often thought the whispers were telling me to do something. I would listen as hard as I could and try to figure out what I was supposed to do. I thought they would leave me alone if I cooperated, so I tried to do as they told.
As much as I tried, I could never satisfy the whispering hallucinations because I never could figure out what they were saying. When I sat there confused, I would swear on my life I could hear them getting disgusted because I wasn’t doing anything right. It was so messed up.
Sometimes I would hear people in the neighborhood and I thought they were talking about me and always thought they were calling the police. Then I would panic and run through the house hiding evidence.
I tried to figure out how to clean my fingerprints off everything, then think about my saliva being on a glass pipe – would they DNA test the pipe!?
Some nights would send me so far over the edge that I would start crying hysterically and wouldn’t be able to stop. I think Simon thought I really was insane and at times, I thought so too.
It really makes me wonder about Simon…if he saw what this did to me, why did he continue to let it happen over and over? Why did I let it? That is how damned powerful this drug is. You can have a horrible experience with hallucinations again and again, yet you still want this drug again and again.