“Forgiveness is the sweetest revenge.” ~ Isaac Friedmann
As I sit on the sofa my heart pounds, my breath is short, and my hands are shaking. Memories of meth flood my mind, faces fly through my head, some clear, some blurred. A series of what ifs, and what don’t I know, go around and around in my head, over and over, never ending.
Sometimes I think I should be on another medication to help me cope, but I know that would only mask or hide what I need to deal with emotionally. This is the hardest part of my recovery.
I never ever would have imagined the pain I was causing myself by giving others the benefit of a doubt. They didn’t deserve it, they were predators who were vile and malicious.
It was the meth they loved, it seemed to be their idol. All it did was enhance every negative aspect of themselves leaving a cold, dark, pit where a heart should be. It has been my experience that when someone gets mixed up with this lifestyle they slowly become consumed and before they realize it, they are removed from reality. They slowly die, they slowly lose everything that matters. It happened to me as I nearly lost my mind and my life.
Today I am sick to my stomach with the memories. When I relive the emotions, the fear …it’s as fresh as it was the first time. It’s as if I was thrown back in time into my worst nightmares.
I haven’t been able to forgive everything yet, it’s going to take some time. Carlos (my partner) said I must forgive myself first. I have to let go of that feeling of guilt for having done things I’m ashamed of and for that feeling of letting people treat me that way.
Tears just well up in my eyes, I feel close to an emotional outburst… I don’t think I ever had a good solid cry to release of all that pain I still feel.
I once thought I would write what I remember and that would be it, but the more I write, the more I stir things up. As it gets stirred up, the easier it is to release it – the more I release, the better I feel.