“Forgiveness is the sweetest revenge.” ~ Isaac Friedmann
As I sit on the sofa my heart pounds, my breath is short, and my hands are shaking. Memories of meth flood my mind, faces fly through my head, some clear, some blurred. A series of what ifs, and what don’t I know, go around and around in my head, over and over, never ending.
Sometimes I think I should be on another medication to help me cope, but I know that would only mask or hide what I need to deal with emotionally. This is the hardest part of my recovery.
I never ever would have imagined the pain I was causing myself by giving others the benefit of a doubt. They didn’t deserve it, they were predators who were vile and malicious.
It was the meth they loved, it seemed to be their idol. All it did was enhance every negative aspect of themselves leaving a cold, dark, pit where a heart should be. It has been my experience that when someone gets mixed up with this lifestyle they slowly become consumed and before they realize it, they are removed from reality. They slowly die, they slowly lose everything that matters. It happened to me as I nearly lost my mind and my life.
Today I am sick to my stomach with the memories. When I relive the emotions, the fear …it’s as fresh as it was the first time. It’s as if I was thrown back in time into my worst nightmares.
I haven’t been able to forgive everything yet, it’s going to take some time. Carlos (my partner) said I must forgive myself first. I have to let go of that feeling of guilt for having done things I’m ashamed of and for that feeling of letting people treat me that way.
Tears just well up in my eyes, I feel close to an emotional outburst… I don’t think I ever had a good solid cry to release of all that pain I still feel.
I once thought I would write what I remember and that would be it, but the more I write, the more I stir things up. As it gets stirred up, the easier it is to release it – the more I release, the better I feel.
Tags: addicts, anxiety, coping, crystal meth, deception, Isaac Friedmann quote, meth, predator, recovery
He is right, above all else, you need to forgive yourself first and continue to do so every time.
You are deserving.
You are a good person.
People love you.
Release the pain of the past…little by little if that’s what it takes.
…in with the good, out with the bad…
Were you watching me breathe today?
That’s what I was doing….trying to breathe in with the good and out with the bad.
Intellectually, I know to be free of the anxiety, I must forgive myself first. Anxiety is tough…it’s difficult to turn off sometimes.
It’s like trying to convince a T-Rex to go vegetarian, haha!
[...] cringe over my behavior to myself and to others even though the “others” were just as bad, if not worse, to me. Maybe I got what I gave out? That’s karma for [...]
[...] There are many I have forgiven but that was from a couple decades ago. It is the people from my days of using crystal meth that I am having some difficulty forgiving. I was so naïve, so unprepared for what I was getting into, and had no experience dealing with these kind of people. [...]
i liked this story a lot because i have recently gotten involved with the highly addictive, sketchy i-should-NOT-trust-him-but-he-is-s0-damn-deceiving-its-scary kind of guy. a part of me tells me that (the main guy im hanging out with, whos shooting me up, sleep with, tells me he loves me (which i dont actually beleive. trust me, im not stupid, he is either childish or only fooling himself) he is nothing but a meth-loving, no good for nothing (but his 11 inch & his sex, and his drugs and all those bad things) will lie, cheat, manipulate anyway and anyone he possibly could for drugs, will steal anything from anyone, meth injecting addict junkie. BUT AT THE SAME TIME i know hes got a heart and a soul, hes still in love with a girl he was in almost a 4yr relationship with whom broke up with him yrs ago, im very good at reading ppl and this has messed him up almost as the death of his father. he has his issues just like any normal being .. okay, so ive seen two good things in him that were heartly, but ive seen more meth/money grabbing schemes, acts, and unfriendly things more than anything. BUT I DONT KNOW WHAT TO THINK because this addiction changes who you really are!! all that stealing lying etc is the METH ADDICTION. and the anger and hostility could be sprouted from his failed relationships, girl who left him, father who , in his eyes, left him as well, so .. hes not a big fan of general LOVE at this time
You’re right Kaitlyn, meth brings out the absolute worst in everyone. It’s the Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde syndrome. I believe there is good in everyone but sometimes it gets buried so deep under all the bad it may never come to the surface again. I wished I wasn’t in denial for so long about the behavior of my partner – or even my own behavior. When there is no trust, there is no reason to be involved. You deserve better. we all do.
[...] when I had assholes in my life I thought I was literally going insane, totally going off the deep end and had very, [...]
[...] I always realized I had suffered emotionally and psychologically but I never realized that it was yet another form of trauma that went much deeper than I originally thought. I now know that I have been seriously traumatized, emotionally and psychologically, by events from my past. The events during my meth use that connected me to people who were masters at psychological games and abuse. [...]