Saved by Slow Death

“Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable.” ~Sydney J. Harris

Living with bipolar disorder (undiagnosed) until my late 30′s is making my current life (diagnosed & medicated) far more difficult than I ever would have guessed.

Throughout my life I have made more than my share of bad decisions but they didn’t seem that bad while I was making them, but I had no idea there was a mental illness that was short circuiting my thoughts. When I made a bad decision it never completely registered that it was bad. On some level I knew I was doing something really bad but it had very, very little meaning.

Unprotected sex and drugs were two big ones but at least I can now makes sense of the unprotected sex with bipolar hyper-sexuality. Any sex that was wrong or taboo was desired over safe, “socially acceptable” sex.

It is hard to find the words to describe the lack of danger I felt in these types of decisions except that there seemed to be a huge disconnect in my brain from reality – a blown fuse or something? So disconnected that unsafe sex and crystal meth seemed the same to me as a simple kiss or eating french fries. Sure, french fries aren’t that healthy but I’m not going to not eat them – I don’t know how else to explain it.

Approximately 38 years with bipolar disorder left me with ample time and opportunity to completely make a mess out of things. Once I was medicated for bipolar disorder my ability to recognize a bad choice and also fully comprehend any potential consequences began to register more and more easily. I began to stop making the bad choices but after some time, something else happened that I was not expecting and was ill-prepared for…

After I was medicated I began to become more and more anxious and I wasn’t entirely sure what was happening …until recently. It occurred to me that every bad decision I made in the past that never registered was now beginning to make it’s way to my consciousness all at once! My healthier brain is now feeling regret, guilt and a wave of debilitating anxiety for all those choices I made over my life. That’s a hell of a lot to process all at once!

I am left with that hollow aching feeling right beneath my chest – it must be what hell feels like and the worst part is I don’t know how long it will last. It comes and goes, some days are good and others are very bad. I’m not sure if this is common among people who have been treated for bipolar disorder but I imagine the degree varies on every level imaginable.

It’s easy to say I’m going to let it all go, but honestly, I haven’t been able to do it effectively. Perhaps time will be the cure.