“A lot of people don’t realize that depression is an illness. I don’t wish it on anyone, but if they would know how it feels, I swear they would think twice before they just shrug it.” ~Jonathan Davis
Over the last several days I have been growing more numb inside. My mood isn’t even an obvious depression, but one of just not caring or giving a damn about anything and that’s the numbness I feel….as if I died on the inside and my body hasn’t caught up yet. I thought about writing here but didn’t because I just didn’t care enough to …but while I was lying on my bed, I picked up my journal from the nightstand and just wrote and it came out with ease and that is what follows below.
“Things are no better and not sure if they’re worse. Is it worse to not give a damn about anything in my life right now or is it worse to be depressed about it? Depression would suggest some level of caring wouldn’t it?
If I saw a 1,000 foot tidal wave rushing towards me I don’t think I would care – I wouldn’t try to run or hide. I would sit and watch it, hoping it wouldn’t loose momentum as it approached. I don’t think I would even take a deep breath – I may even exhale right before the water hit me, sabotaging any hope of surviving the initial impact.
Today, I would feel thankful for the wave for releasing me from this defective body and it’s messed up chemistry. Days like this one seem to be increasing with alarming frequency and it must really suck for those stuck in the same house with me.
I swear, if my house was inhabited by a demonic spirit it would probably leave due to me bringing it down of it’s high. I think I would give it a little too much competition and it would throw up it’s arms and say, “Screw this, I am outta here! This guy is even depressing ME!”
There you have it. I’m not even sure if I care enough to want to feel better. At least I accomplished something even if it’s telling you how miserable today has been for me, although I’m not sure what value that holds for anyone except that we all have bad days …or weeks.
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Tags: bipolar disorder, depressed, depression, Jonathan Davis quote, manic, numb, numbness
Just to let you know, I’ve been in my own little funk…in overdrive, mind you. Sorry to read about your depression overtaking you. I know you’re Manic/Depressive (right? she asked anxiously, not wishing to label) but are you aware of the studies done at the beginning of the last century (sounds sooo long ago!) by a doctor about an event in the small town of Borna, Germany? The horses in town were trying and some succeeded in killing themselves….an astounding event when you think about it. What animal have you ever heard about that intentionally killed itself? Luckily this doctor saved samples of the dead animals’ brains for testing. Some samples survived into the late 1990′s. It turns out that all the animals had a virus, now called the Borna Virus (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Borna_disease) and has been linked to depression in humans. Lots of links, http://www.nytimes.com/2010/01/12/science/12paleo.html?pagewanted=all , and I’ll let you do your own searching, but this was somewhat amazing to me. Sometimes I overanalyze, in an effort to keep from getting too involved. But hey, it’s my life and I’ll misdirect myself any way I want! Hope you’re doing better…take those #&%$@!! antidepressants and keep taking them. They’re just a fact of our lives. You know you aren’t supposed to be aware of them. If you are, get a different one (as though you can go shop for them, ahg). Enough. Thinking of you in a Mary Poppins positive way!
Hi Kathy, Yes, I am Manic Depressive. I was having a really bad week and have had some ups and downs since. Overall, I’m feeling a bit better, and yes, I am definitely still taking those meds even though they don’t seem to help some days. If I think back to a time when I didn’t take them, I realize I had it much worse.
I never heard of the Borna Virus, but it’s interesting. There really is so much we don’t know.
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