“For each new morning with its light, For rest and shelter of the night, For health and food, for love and friends, For everything Thy goodness sends.” ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

I’ve been thinking about my recent self-diagnosis of psychological and emotional trauma and sure, I probably shouldn’t be self-diagnose myself and I also think I was having an unusually bad week! At the same time I still do think I suffered psychologically and emotionally from using meth with a bunch of A-holes ….that is a fact.

Since that bad week I have pushed myself to keep busy and that has helped my mind stay focused on other things. If I don’t keep busy then my mind just becomes stagnate and that is when my past comes sneaking up behind me and opens up a bunch of memories that I would be very happy to forget forever.

All-in-all, I think my life is pretty damned good and I really shouldn’t complain. I have so much more in my life to be thankful for than to be depressed about and maybe it’s time to dust off my gratitude journal that I have been neglecting.

I think my back-n-forth attitude from feeling thankful to feeling depressed is basically what it means to be bipolar and it will be something I struggle with until I die. I think it’s even something non-bipolars deal with as well but maybe less severe, although I can’t say for sure because I’m not a non-bipolar but it seems logical.

I’ll end this with the short list of what I am thankful for:

• My partner, my significant other, my best friend!
• A loving family far too great for any unnecessary drama!
• An awesome bunch of genuine friends!
• I live in a beautiful, perfectly sized city!
• Great neighbors and I actually know their names!
• Haven’t had a car payment in 12 years!
• A cat that loves to snuggle!
• A budding business!
• I live in an age of air-conditioning, refrigerators, dishwashers and vacuums!
• I am alive!

So the point is to be grateful, don’t forget the good stuff and don’t let your mind become stagnate.

“My mother taught me that when you stand in the truth and someone tells a lie about you, don’t fight it. “ ~Whitney Houston

We’ve all heard the sad news of Whitney Houston‘s passing, but instead of speculating on the cause of her death I prefer to remember the person and her amazing voice.

She wasn’t perfect, she was human and being human means having faults. We always feel a sort of kinship with others who we share certain faults.

The lyrics to the song, I Didn’t Know My Own Strength, have a special meaning to me and I’ll just leave you with those in remembering Whitney.

Lost touch with my soul
I had no where to turn
I had no where to go
Lost sight of my dream
Thought it would be the end of me
I thought I’d never make it through
I had no hope to hold on to
I thought I might break

I didn’t know my own strength
And I crashed down, and I tumbled
But I did not crumble
I got through all the pain
I didn’t know my own strength
Survived my darkest hour
My faith kept me alive
I picked myself back up
Hold my head up high
I was not built to break
I didn’t know my own strength

Found hope in my heart,
I found the light to life
My way out the dark
Found all that I need
Here inside of me
I thought I’d never find my way
I thought I’d never lift that weight
I thought I might break

I didn’t know my own strength
And I crashed down, and stumbled
But I did not crumble
I got through all the pain
I didn’t know my own strength
Survived my darkest hour
My faith kept me alive
I picked myself back up
Hold my head up high
I was not built to break
I didn’t know my own strength

There were so many times I
Wondered how I’d get through the night I
Thought took all I could take

I didn’t know my own strength
And I crashed down, and I stumbled
But I did not crumble
I got through all the pain
I didn’t know my own strength
Survived my darkest hour
My faith kept me alive
I picked myself back up
Hold my head up high
I was not built to break
I didn’t know my own strength

Also, Whitney Houston’s number one hit,  I Will Always Love You.

“The scars you can’t see are the hardest to heal.” ~Astrid Alauda

There was a time after I stopped using meth and began medication for bipolar disorder when I felt exceptionally well. I felt healed and I thought the worst was all behind me then that wave of regret kept coming at me at an alarming frequency and I thought it was just the anxiety of past mistakes.

I always realized I had suffered emotionally and psychologically but I never realized that it was yet another form of trauma that went much deeper than I originally thought. I now know that I have been seriously traumatized, emotionally and psychologically, by events from my past. The events during my meth use that connected me to people who were masters at psychological games and abuse.

Sometimes for only hours and sometimes many days of the week I struggle with disturbing emotions, frightening and horrible memories, and a very real sense of imminent danger that I can’t seem to shake off.

What is Emotional & Psychological Trauma?

Emotional and psychological trauma is the result of extraordinarily stressful events that shatter your sense of security, making you feel helpless and vulnerable in a dangerous world.

From HelpGuide.org

An Event May Lead to Trauma If:

• It happened unexpectedly.
• You were unprepared for it.
• You felt powerless to prevent it.
• It happened repeatedly.
• Someone was intentionally cruel.
• It happened in childhood.

From HelpGuide.org

With the exception of anything happening in my childhood, it all applies to me. This is the anxiety I deal with on a regular basis and has been getting worse since that initial time I felt “exceptionally well” that I mentioned above. It’s becoming more difficult to push aside and go about my life and I am beginning to think I may need the help of a professional.

I also think it has been making my efforts to quit smoking impossible because it is a very comforting thing to be able to go have a cigarette while having these bad emotions race through my mind and body.

I am pretty sure I know where the trauma originated so now I just need to figure out how to deal with it…

This music is speaking to me right now….

“Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable.” ~Sydney J. Harris

Living with bipolar disorder (undiagnosed) until my late 30′s is making my current life (diagnosed & medicated) far more difficult than I ever would have guessed.

Throughout my life I have made more than my share of bad decisions but they didn’t seem that bad while I was making them, but I had no idea there was a mental illness that was short circuiting my thoughts. When I made a bad decision it never completely registered that it was bad. On some level I knew I was doing something really bad but it had very, very little meaning.

Unprotected sex and drugs were two big ones but at least I can now makes sense of the unprotected sex with bipolar hyper-sexuality. Any sex that was wrong or taboo was desired over safe, “socially acceptable” sex.

It is hard to find the words to describe the lack of danger I felt in these types of decisions except that there seemed to be a huge disconnect in my brain from reality – a blown fuse or something? So disconnected that unsafe sex and crystal meth seemed the same to me as a simple kiss or eating french fries. Sure, french fries aren’t that healthy but I’m not going to not eat them – I don’t know how else to explain it.

Approximately 38 years with bipolar disorder left me with ample time and opportunity to completely make a mess out of things. Once I was medicated for bipolar disorder my ability to recognize a bad choice and also fully comprehend any potential consequences began to register more and more easily. I began to stop making the bad choices but after some time, something else happened that I was not expecting and was ill-prepared for…

After I was medicated I began to become more and more anxious and I wasn’t entirely sure what was happening …until recently. It occurred to me that every bad decision I made in the past that never registered was now beginning to make it’s way to my consciousness all at once! My healthier brain is now feeling regret, guilt and a wave of debilitating anxiety for all those choices I made over my life. That’s a hell of a lot to process all at once!

I am left with that hollow aching feeling right beneath my chest – it must be what hell feels like and the worst part is I don’t know how long it will last. It comes and goes, some days are good and others are very bad. I’m not sure if this is common among people who have been treated for bipolar disorder but I imagine the degree varies on every level imaginable.

It’s easy to say I’m going to let it all go, but honestly, I haven’t been able to do it effectively. Perhaps time will be the cure.

“All the works of man have their origin in creative fantasy. What right have we then to depreciate imagination.” ~Carl Jung

As far back as I can remember I have always loved to be creative from plastering my bedroom walls with crazy things I made (like the dragonfly above), to being an art major in school and now writing here. Somewhere along the line I feel like I lost a lot of what I use to have inside.

These days whenever I try being creative I feel lost and a bit numb. Creatively, I am usually in a rut that feels a bit like sinking in quicksand. I really miss my right-brain!

Medicated Into Normalcy?

I have heard that many creative people are a little off kilter with the rest of the world and that is where the creativity comes from, and I definitely have always been slightly off kilter. That is until they medicated me for bipolar disorder. Sure, my moods have improved and when I do get depressed it’s shorter lived but my creativity went into a deep hibernation. Every day I wait for it to wake up but every day it sleeps.

Change My Medium?

Could it be that I am still creative but the way I express myself has shifted and I just haven’t found a way to let it out? Things that were once effortless for me to do now seem like a mountain I can’t conquer. This is frustrating! I keep trying different things but I just DO NOT like what I end up with ….maybe I just lack confidence?

Finding What is Important to Me

This blog has been a help to my creative side in ways I never would have thought. I did write an eBook about my struggles with depression and drugs several months ago and also made a couple short videos to promote it that I uploaded to Youtube. Maybe this is telling me that I should refocus my creative side to what I feel is important to me? Maybe I am already being creative but I haven’t been recognizing it because it’s so different from what I have done? In the past it’s been sketches, portraits in charcoal and the amazing season of Halloween.

I put the two videos I made below for your viewing pleasure. Actually, they probably won’t produce a smile on your face.

Purchase the eBook

I’ll keep looking for other outlets to express myself. Fear not, I am not going off my medication to test my theory of being dulled down creatively. One day something will hit me and I will wonder why it took me so long to find what I was good at ….at least I hope!

This inspirational story of the American Dream will make you realize, you may already be living your dream! You may realize your dream is not what you thought it was or that it really isn’t that hard to achieve. No two dreams are alike and as you will see in this story  …wealth is something that has different meaning for different people.

An American businessman was standing at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellowfin tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish.

“How long did it take you to catch them?” the American asked.

“Only a little while” the Mexican replied.

“Why don’t you stay out longer and catch more fish?” the American then asked.

“I have enough to support my family‘s immediate needs” the Mexican said.

“But” the American then asked, “What do you do with the rest of your time?”

The Mexican fisherman said: “I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take a siesta with my wife, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos. I have a full and busy life, señor.”

The American scoffed: “I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds you could buy a bigger boat and, with the proceeds from the bigger boat, you could buy several boats. Eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman, you would sell directly to the consumers, eventually opening your own can factory. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then LA and eventually NYC where you will run your expanding enterprise.”

The Mexican fisherman asked: “But senor, how long will this all take?”

To which the American replied: “15-20 years.”

“But what then, señor?”

The American laughed and said: “That’s the best part. When the time is right, you would announce an IPO – an Initial Public Offering – and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich. You would make millions.”

“Millions, señor? Then what?”

The American said slowly: “Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take a siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos…”

“Don’t mistake pleasure for happiness. They are a different breed of dogs.” ~ Josh Billings

Over the past week I have had some thoughts about my plan to quit smoking. Quitting cold turkey is too much of a jolt to my system after having been a smoker for over two decades.

I feel I have no choice but to embrace the method of taking baby steps because so far, nothing else has worked. I feel this is the best plan for me because several years ago, this method actually worked! Obviously I began smoking again but that was due to being around too many people who still smoked. Right now, I don’t have a lot of smokers in my life so that is a big plus.

My partner smokes but he is on my plan to quit with me. It would be a waste of time for only one of us to quit smoking while the other kept smoking. If only one of us quit, the chances of them succeeding long term would be greatly reduced.

Another thing is my bipolar issues! It’s bad enough to be a moody bitch without warning but to quit smoking cold turkey only magnifies these moods. It’s not a good time for the people around me.

“Research has shown that while around 20 percent of Americans still light up, about 50 percent of those with depression do. And the figure jumps to between 70 and 90 percent for schizophrenics and people with bipolar disorder. The truth is, according to research done at Harvard Medical School, nearly half the cigarettes sold in the United States are bought by those with mental illnesses.” ~from Oprah.com

Click Here for a video from the Oprah Winfrey Show with Dr. Oz and his advice on how to quit smoking.

What is helping me so far…

• Only smoked half a cigarette each time I lit up.
• Kept mouth feeling clean – brush teeth often.
• Made less coffee in the morning – only enough for one or two cups.
• Refrained from lighting up in car – waited until I got out.
• Refrained from lighting up after I ate – made myself wait.
• Repeatedly told myself I quit throughout the day.
• Imagining the tobacco CEOs rolling in my money!

This is where I am at about five days into my mission to quit smoking. I’ll be keeping you updated as time progresses.

“Cheers to a New Year and another chance for us to get it right.” -Oprah Winfrey

Happy New Year to you all!  I have said it before and God knows I have tried before, but on this New Year’s Day I am hell bent on quitting smoking cigarettes for good. I have smoked for a solid 24 years and I can’t remember what it is like to not smoke.

I have three packs of cigarettes left and that means a three day supply, but over the course of the next several days (or more) I am going to ignore the routine I have created over the last 24 years. Hopefully, I can replace my bad habit with a better one! My source of inspiration this time has come from a site called, Lifestyle Changeup, you should check it out!

My Reasons to Quit Smoking

• They are loaded with harmful cancer causing chemicals
• To break the chains of cigarette slavery
• I smell terrible to non-smokers
• Lowered resale value of my car
• The myriad of health complications
• Time wasted actually doing the smoking
• Land wasted for growing tobacco
• Stop supporting those bastard tobacco companies!
• It’s a very disturbing waste of money!Approx $150 per month with the cheap brand – Over $220 with my old premium brand.

Things I Can Do with That Money    …EVERY Month!

• Buy new clothes
• Go to the movies or dinner
• Donations
• Pay bills
• Get a REAL haircut
• Buy chocolate or God forbid, food!
• Rabies shot for the dog
• Something nice for the house

……it’s endless

The most difficult part is getting through the first handful of days after quitting smoking. Once those first few days have passed it does get a bit easier. I have quit before but only for a very short time due to being around other people who also smoke. This seems like a perfect time to quit as the number of people in my life that smoke has grown much smaller. If there is no temptation from others around me, I feel my chances of quitting smoking are magnified 100 fold.

Follow Up:  Quit Smoking in Baby Steps

“Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, surrounded by assholes.” ~William Gibson

Have you ever wondered why you never have a good time no matter how fun the situation should be? Is the fun spoiled by unnecessary drama and petty bickering until what should have been an exciting experience has now turned into an episode of The Real Housewives? Does the drama make you feel bad or depressed about life because you are deprived of actual fun?

If so, then you may be surrounded by total assholes.

Next time this happens, don’t do anything except find a comfortable place to sit and watch as the drama unfolds. This way you can identify the offenders then watch to see who throws more gasoline on the fire and who tries to extinguish it. It’s important to know you can’t put out the fire by adding more fuel!

Keep tabs on how these people are making you feel about yourself, where you are and what you are doing.

It’s a fact people, assholes will only make you more depressed. They also tend to lower your self-esteem because they have none and they want you to feel like shit too.

Once the assholes are identified then make the decision to avoid them as if they were Fox News! Once free from that environment, you will be less depressed and feel better about yourself. Over time you will change and the people you attract will change.

One day you will realize you may not have been depressed or at least not as bad as you thought.

Back when I had assholes in my life I thought I was literally going insane, totally going off the deep end and had very, very little self-esteem left. Come to find out I was totally sane but I was clinically depressed.

My true friends love and support me while the assholes brought me down every chance they could. Who do you want to spend your life with?

Howdy people, it’s been a little over a month since I’ve made a peep here. The last thing I told you was how aromatherapy works great on me for depression …except for this last month. Over the last month it did diddly squat for my moods.

I found a quote that did a good job at summing up the past 30 days of depression ….more or less.

“Whenever someone sorrows, I do not say, “forget it,” or “it will pass,” or “it could be worse” — all of which deny the integrity of the painful experience. But I say, to the contrary, “It is worse than you may allow yourself to think. Delve into the depth. Stay with the feeling. Think of it as a precious source of knowledge and guidance. Then and only then will you be ready to face it and be transformed in the process.” ~Peter Koestenbaum

Early on after the depression set in I really tried to combat it but after days of misery I let go and just suffered through it. It seemed the harder I resisted feeling depressed, the worse I felt so I stopped trying to get anything accomplished, including writing.

Days passed and I found myself becoming a bit of a couch potato. A couple more days and I began to fell worse even though I let go of trying to get better, now I was becoming frustrated because I no longer felt a purpose to move …including taking a shower.

Then I really let go and allowed myself to feel like shit as the days turned into weeks….

Near the end of the 30 day period I begin to feel better without doing anything to change it. Feeling better allowed me to get up and I began to accomplish more things in a shorter amount of time. Then I found the more I accomplished, the better I felt.

It wasn’t until tonight that I was finally able to write a little bit of where I have been. I guess the lesson I learned is sometimes I am just going to feel terrible and there isn’t a damned thing I can do to change it. Instead of punishing myself because I feel the depression I should embrace it and do as much nothing as I can get away with and it will eventually fix itself.