“All names and forms are the garbs and covers under which the one life is hidden.” ~Hazrat Inayat Khan

I recently had my numerology done and was very surprised at the accuracy in how it described my life and best of all, it was free!

Numerology is based on the mathematics of the Universe where you find patterns. If you understand what a fractal is then you will know there is undeniable proof of patterns in nature and cycles of time, so why not in your Life? This is numerology!

• Your name is no accident, who are you and what is your purpose?
• Take control of your destiny, love, money, career and happiness.
• Identify your strengths and weaknesses, overcome difficulties and obstacles.
• Master you emotions instead of being a slave to them.

Listen to This!

My numerology told me I was prone to escape through substance abuse! If you just discovered this site, substance abuse has been a main topic along with depression!

It also said I would be a good writer and that’s exactly what I have been doing on this site since 2009. Whether its good, bad or adequate is actually up to you, the reader.

Another spot on description was how I dropped everything I knew in mid-life to explore the total flip side of what came before. After my unfortunate experience with substance abuse and illness, that is exactly what I did – I became much more spiritual and everything in my life changed from my core beliefs, taste in home décor and everything in between.

I gave you quick samples of what they told me but it’s a little more detailed than what I’m describing and there’s a lot more I am not going to mention or else I would be writing several pages. In any case…it nailed me!

What Do You Do Next?

Basically, you enter your name and birth date to receive your free numerology reading through your email address. You will receive you Life Path number, your Expression number and your Soul Urge number.

If you you don’t go for this type of thing or believe in this stuff, no worries, it’s totally FREE to get this information emailed to you. Maybe it will change you opinion of such things? ….or maybe not.

There may be things about yourself that you don’t want to admit to and it may possibly feel inaccurate when you read it. Be open enough to accept your faults and own them…. no one else will see your report unless you choose to share it. At least give it a chance and be honest with yourself.

What have you got to loose? I double-dog dare you!

Click Here for your FREE reading!

“Nurses dispense comfort, compassion, and caring without even a prescription.” ~Val Saintsbury

National Nurse Week begins on May 6 (aka National Nurse Day) and goes through May 12 so I would like to publicly say “thank you” to all the nurses out there who make a difference in many people’s lives every day. Not only do they help their patients, they make a difference in the lives of the families of those patients.

Why Nurses?

For me, nurses are special people because of my own personal experience in the hospital and maybe you won’t appreciate a good nurse until you have had an experience like that. To be honest, I didn’t appreciate nurses until I had my own experience. It’s the same way you might hold fireman in a special place if you have been rescued from a burning building by a fireman. It’s usually a personal thing.

The 12 Hour Shift

In the hospital I was in, the nurses worked 12 hour shifts four days a week! I don’t think I need to say any more about that except this quote I found that was being passed around facebook:

“Nurses are being scorned for being late with medicine, and yet they are holding their bladder because they don’t have time to use the restroom, and starving because they missed lunch. They’re being peed on, puked on, pooped on, bled on, bitten, hit, yelled at and are missing their family while taking care of yours. They may even be crying for you.” ~author unknown

Nurses Became the Light

I spent a month in that damned hospital bed and the only thing I could look forward to was the nurses and their compassion. Yes, I got calls and visits from family and friends but much of it was when their schedule permitted as they couldn’t quit their jobs to be with me every second. The nurses became the familiar faces and over that month I learned their names, their personalities, and their sense of humor.

They became the thing I could look forward to, they always made an effort to comfort me, to joke with me and even pray for me. They gave me a temporary family for that long month. They treated me like a person and not the number on my door. They normally went above and beyond of what I expected from a nurse and I thank them so much.   Thank you!

Nurse Withdrawal!

You may find this weird or even a bit funny, but when I was discharged from the hospital a month later I really missed the nurses! Like I said, they became my temporary family and when I was home again there was an empty spot in me that knew I wouldn’t see them again.

After I spent more time recovering at home I decided to go back and say “Hi” and to thank them for the amazing care they provided. They made an enormous difference for me and I even considered a career in the health profession when I was back home. Before this experience, I never realized the impact a nurse could have on a patient but am thankful that now I do.

Thank you to every wonderful amazing nurse out there!!

You may also like: If You Wake In a Hospital Wearing a Diaper, Don’t Panic!

“If the words “life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness” don’t include the right to experiment with your own consciousness, then the Declaration of Independence isn’t worth the hemp it was written on.” ~Terence McKenna

It was about two months ago when I tried marijuana for my neuropathy to see if it had an effect on the intense pain I was experiencing. The post was titled, Neuropathy Pain and Marijuana, and if you read it you would know it did help with the pain …very much so!

I have continued to smoke marijuana only in the evening when I know I am home for the night and only one hit. In other words, I inhale the same as I would from only one drag from a cigarette and that is very little. I don’t want you to think I’m smoking endlessly and getting stoned out of my gourd, no that is not happening.

Benefits

Over the past two months I have noticed other things besides the drop in pain. I also have had much less anxiety, fewer bad moods and much fewer bouts of depression. and I noticed something else today that inspired me to sit down here to tell you all about it.

Stimulated Creativity

My creativity is something I missed the most and over the last two months it has been returning. It had been extremely difficult to get motivated to work on any art or other creative projects but lately it has become second nature and it’s a great feeling! Today it was effortless and my creative mind was working better than it has in many years!

Recharged Sex Drive

It also seems to have brought back a much missed sex drive that seems to have been squashed by an HIV drug called Atripla (some lucky ones experience the opposite). I have also seen this in my partner who experienced the same side effect and he’s recharged as well. [big grin]

No Gateway

I want to make this abundantly clear -I have absolutely NO urge whatsoever to return to hard core drugs like crystal meth! Having done both meth and marijuana, there is no comparison in any way shape or form except how the government classifies them which is absurd.

I firmly believe I took part in hard drugs due to depression and a total lack of self-esteem. Marijuana was and has never been a gateway drug for me.

Can it be misused? Of course it can – the same way people misuse alcohol, prescription drugs and everything else that exists in the world.

I’ll leave you with this awesome video…

“Until one has loved an animal, a part of one’s soul remains unawakened.“ ~Anatole France

I was watching TV and there was a show about animals helping veterans deal with the many problems they face when they return home. They help them cope with emotional trauma among other things and I immediately began to think how my dog and cat both seem to know when I’m feeling bad, suffering from my depression or just having problems with my anxiety.

I am not sure how they know or sense what I’m feeling but they do! They always seem to come to me when I’m at my lowest – they cautiously tip toe over to me and give me a little nudge in their own way.

Dog Love

My dog usually stands next to me and looks up at me with those eyes like she isn’t sure what to expect from me next, but she tries anyway. When I see her looking at me with all her innocence I can’t help but feel better because it seems all she wants to do is comfort me. I give her a big hug and kiss her on the snout and she relaxes even more knowing she has helped me. Knowing she is concerned helps me in ways a human can’t.

Cat Love

People says cats are not that emotional but to be honest, my cat is far more affectionate than my dog ever was (but a little less innocent!). My dog has never been big on snuggling up to me for more than a few seconds but the cat is a big snuggler!

She also knows when I’m at my lowest. She also cautiously hops up on the sofa next to me and puts one little paw on my lap, then pauses as if to wait for my reaction. When she knows I am receptive to her comfort she climbs up and curls up on my chest and lays her head down on my shoulder and begins to purr like no one’s business. My tension literally melts away.

Uncomplicated

The help that animals provide us with is special because they aren’t trying to change us or fix anything. They seem to only want to say, “I’m here.” It helps people because what an animal gives us is so pure and uncomplicated and they love us for who we are and that is all.

Can I be honest? I have never trusted (or liked for that matter) people who dislike animals. If you don’t believe that an animal can show love then there is something asleep inside that person or they have never had the opportunity to get close to an animal.

When an animal trusts you it’s very real, it’s very honest and there’s nothing quite like it in the world. There is no second guessing their true intentions. Love from an animal is love in it’s purest form and it’s something that is beneficial to anyone that breathes.

Oh! One more thing  …animals know who the jerks are too. I had an opportunity to see dolphins nail people with their tails who were  ….may I say assholes? Yet they were pleasant and playful towards everyone else.  Was so much fun to watch!

Maybe you have had this problem while working on your inner self or while trying to solve a little problem that you can’t seem to change or haven’t figured out how to change?I’ve read books and listened to different people but I get these conflicting answers like, accept what is and change what is (if you don’t like it). Well damn it! WHICH IS IT?!

I didn’t think I had a whole lot of luck accepting things as they are, for example, my own thoughts. My thoughts have been determined by my experiences and my thoughts were out of control. I tried accepting and dealing with them but it didn’t get much better or any easier over a period of years.

More recently, I have begun to recognize the thoughts and memories that begin to give me grief and anxiety. So now what? I have recognized them, now what the hell do I do with them? I can’t make peace with them so I am doing the only thing I can do…..avoid them!

No matter how hard as I tried to avoid them, the thought would grow deep roots and would refuse to fall back into the forgotten parts of my mind.

Avoiding or blocking the thoughts seemed to be the wrong technique so I decided to try another approach. I tried to replace the thought with a better one. Well that must have been the trick because it’s been working!

They say practice makes perfect and in this case they would be correct. The thoughts come in, are recognized and they are replaced by a better thought faster than the time before. The more I make a conscious effort to focus on the good the easier it seems to get.

Rather than avoiding them I am conditioning myself to focus on what is now, what is the present. So the phrase, Live in the Present, was the key and come to think of it, I actually am accepting what is because right now my life is pretty good and the past is what holds the bad thoughts. God I hope that makes some kind of sense!

“Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future,
concentrate the mind on the present moment.”

~Buddha

“Happiness is an attitude. We either make ourselves miserable, or happy and strong. The amount of work is the same.” ~Francesca Reigler

I have been writing about my journey with bipolar disorder and drugs here for almost 2 ½ years, including an ebook, and I think I’ve covered all the negative parts of it I can stand and maybe you feel the same. I want and need to distance myself from all that past pain as much as possible because I have discovered all I care to know about it. I’ve been kind of on that track somewhat but I’m putting all that to bed for good!

When the neurons fire in my brain I want it to be about something good, something that won’t send me into an anxiety or panic attack. I mean really, I don’t need that anymore so concentrating on all that is positive and finding the silver lining in all things is the only direction I would like to keep going on.

Sometimes things happen in my life and I think to myself, That would make a great post! Of course I forget what it is when I sit down at the keyboard and you know I forgot to write the idea down on a pad. Arrgh! I did manage to remember a few small tidbits of the past week or so…

Finding the Silver Lining

There’s a little thing that happened this week concerning my dog. She is 15 years old and she’s started to poop in the driveway, on the patio and sometimes in the middle of the street, but I thought to myself, At least she’s still pooping outside!   …and for that I am grateful!

Another thing is the approaching summer swim suit season and the fact that I will have much bigger love handles to sport at the beach. I guess I must have enough food to eat …..and for that I am grateful!

Have you ever had a neighbor who was a lawn nazi? You know the type   ….very anal about his grass and sprays poison to kill weeds and pests. Well, when my lawn is too high for his taste he actually comes over and mows my lawn for me! ….and that is the silver lining of living near a pro-poison lawn nazi.

Small things but most importantly, they are all good things.

“Reality is merely an illusion, although a very persistent one” ~ Albert Einstein

Do you ever just sit around on a Sunday, like I’m doing today, and just wonder, what if?

Today I woke up with no energy at all and could barely keep my cup of coffee balanced in my hand. I just felt exhausted. This exhausted feeling brings back memories of my former meth use because I would go so long without sleep and feel terrible when the sun came up.

So naturally, when the memories come back so does my anxiety. It’s not a great way to begin my day, that’s for sure. While I sit there trying to push the meth memories back and let good ones come to the front of my mind I wonder, what if it’s just that easy?

What if I am making far too big a deal over it all? What if I just turn my attention toward those stupid squirrels chasing each other across the yard and laugh at them? What if I’m making my own hell here on Earth?

What if I died and realized I was still conscious, then realized I beat myself up for years when I could have just been happy the whole time?! I would be pissed, that’s what!

What if this Earth, this physical world we call reality isn’t real at all? That’s what physicists are telling us all the time. What if it’s all, for lack of a better word, a big game or a test? Maybe all my worrying is making me lose the game or fail the test. What if every religion on the face of the Earth has it all wrong and no one has got it right yet?

“A wise man, recognizing that the world is but an illusion, does not act as if it is real, so he escapes the suffering.” ~ Buddha

If the Earth and the rest of the physical world is really an illusion then what exactly IS real? That’s the big question. And if it’s not real then why do we take it so seriously? Is it as stupid as letting a video game you aren’t good at ruin your day because you’re on a low level you can’t get off of? Maybe…

What if death is like reaching the last level of the game? What if you decide to play another game? Won’t your experience from the first game help you out in a different game? What if it’s our reaction to the game that counts because that’s what we can control?

Once, someone told me I think too much, maybe he was right and maybe he wasn’t. I like to think and sometimes I wonder if I’m thinking about what everyone else thinks about….

There really wasn’t much of a point to this and sometimes I just need to type it out. I’m not even sure I care if anyone even reads it or not because it might be just a game!

This is my Sunday …how is yours?

“The illegality of cannabis is outrageous, an impediment to full utilization of a drug which helps produce the serenity and insight, sensitivity and fellowship so desperately needed in this increasingly mad and dangerous world.” ~ Carl Sagan

As you may remember, I suffer from painful neuropathy in my feet and hands. On most days it hurts and doesn’t let me forget that it is there while other days, although not many, I feel very little pain. Then there are times the pain is so bad it hurts to walk across a room and sometimes just to stand.

A couple of weeks ago I had some of the worst pain I had ever felt. Why? I haven’t a clue! There seems to by no rhyme or reason why it’s horrible one day and almost gone the next. I was in the supermarket and I could only move at ultra-slow speed, like that Tim Conway character from the Carol Burnett show.

I had never tried marijuana for pain before but I was curious as my prescribed and legal medications weren’t even putting a dent in my pain on this particular day.

I only smoked a small amount to see just how little would do the job. I inhaled once, just one hit and then I waited. I soon felt the initial effects …I became very relaxed, as if I just spent an hour getting a full body massage. So relaxed, in fact, that I forgot what the point was… It was good stuff.

A short time later I remembered why I smoked and then I realized that the pain was gone. A pain that almost kept me from the grocery store was now a memory. There has been no other pain killer that has been prescribed that has done such an amazing job at relieving the most extreme neuropathy pain as marijuana has.

I don’t know if all people have the same success with marijuana. I imagine it may be the same way some people react differently to other types of medications. Also keep in mind there are different types of marijuana that have different effects. Overall, it’s mostly relaxation mixed with laughter.

To any of my friends out there who may worry about the marijuana use because of the problem I had with meth …please don’t worry.  All I can say is, comparing marijuana to crystal meth is like comparing the consumption of one grape in the produce section of the grocery store to first degree murder. Sure, technically the two are both illegal but have nothing to do with each other. I have never had a problem with marijuana no more than alcohol, but meth is a very different animal.

Did you know it’s illegal to let a donkey sleep in a bathtub in Arizona? See, doesn’t that make you want to go out to Arizona, find a bathtub and make a donkey fall asleep in it!??!  I know I do!  Then I could finally get that “sleeping donkey in a bathtub” tattoo I’ve been eyeballing!

I’ll leave you with this, I couldn’t resist:

To live in this world today we always need to search for the good in any given situation no matter how dark and depressing it seems to be at the time. I have found the silver lining in the most unlikely places, even when I was lying in the hospital wearing a diaper while family and friends were afraid I would die.Bipolar disorder is a bitch for those with the disorder, for those who live with them as well as some of their family and friends. Living with it means being constantly misunderstood because many people are unaware of the many facets including hyper-sexuality, forgetfulness, and taking extreme risks because we often lack any sense of danger.

I have realized my silver lining with this disorder and that is the quality of creativity. There are and have been many famous creative people who have been called creative geniuses. Whether performing arts, writing, visual arts or music, bipolar talent is common and at times, exceptional.

Someone who successfully pursues a career in the arts sometimes doesn’t have to put up with that monotonous 9-5 type of job or office politics. They may work from home, have a changing schedule or whenever inspiration washes over them. This is the best situation for me personally as I have found the many places I have worked to be suffocating and I never functioned very well at most of them, although, some had their perks. Overall, I prefer to be where I am at now …free.

I have always enjoyed being creative, nothing else makes me feel accomplished or boosts my self-esteem the way artistic projects do. I don’t put myself into any genius category but then again, I do remember making grandiose claims while on a manic high but that can be “normal” behavior for bipolar people.

Sure, you can be creative and not be bipolar but I am both and I am thankful, even on the days when my meds seem to have numbed my creativity. I’m also trying to harness the rage I sometimes feel and turn it into art but so far it’s been difficult. I have to admit, I’m a little curious of what I could produce. I’m a little surprised I never thought of that before now…

Here is a short list of some famous bipolar people:

Robin Williams
Jonathon Winters
Tracy Ullman
Jim Carey
Vivien Leigh
Robert Downey Jr.
Patty Duke
Ludwig Von Beethoven
Ted Turner
Vincent Van Gogh
Buzz Aldrin
Rosemary Clooney
Tim Burton
Francis Ford Coppola
Axl Rose
Jimi Hendrix
Sylvia Plath
Theodore Roosevelt
Winston Churchill
Jane Pauley
Virginia Woolf
Mark Twain
Edgar Allen Poe
Johann Goethe

Full List

“For each new morning with its light, For rest and shelter of the night, For health and food, for love and friends, For everything Thy goodness sends.” ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

I’ve been thinking about my recent self-diagnosis of psychological and emotional trauma and sure, I probably shouldn’t be self-diagnose myself and I also think I was having an unusually bad week! At the same time I still do think I suffered psychologically and emotionally from using meth with a bunch of A-holes ….that is a fact.

Since that bad week I have pushed myself to keep busy and that has helped my mind stay focused on other things. If I don’t keep busy then my mind just becomes stagnate and that is when my past comes sneaking up behind me and opens up a bunch of memories that I would be very happy to forget forever.

All-in-all, I think my life is pretty damned good and I really shouldn’t complain. I have so much more in my life to be thankful for than to be depressed about and maybe it’s time to dust off my gratitude journal that I have been neglecting.

I think my back-n-forth attitude from feeling thankful to feeling depressed is basically what it means to be bipolar and it will be something I struggle with until I die. I think it’s even something non-bipolars deal with as well but maybe less severe, although I can’t say for sure because I’m not a non-bipolar but it seems logical.

I’ll end this with the short list of what I am thankful for:

• My partner, my significant other, my best friend!
• A loving family far too great for any unnecessary drama!
• An awesome bunch of genuine friends!
• I live in a beautiful, perfectly sized city!
• Great neighbors and I actually know their names!
• Haven’t had a car payment in 12 years!
• A cat that loves to snuggle!
• A budding business!
• I live in an age of air-conditioning, refrigerators, dishwashers and vacuums!
• I am alive!

So the point is to be grateful, don’t forget the good stuff and don’t let your mind become stagnate.