I left you all with the idea that I was smoke free and I was still exercising, right? What a bunch of horse shit!

I’ve hit some bumps in the road and I have been smoking again for about 3 weeks. I went 3 months without smoking before I fell off the wagon….again. I do, however, plant to quit and go back to e-cigarettes. Again, people around me were smoking and in a social setting, it’s extremely hard not to join in! First you bum a cigarette from someone else, then one becomes two, then two becomes a few until you feel so guilty you offer this person money for all the cigarettes you’ve smoked.

I can’t remember exactly when it happened, but I abandoned my exercise routine for a bag of potato chips and chocolate cake. It must be two months now. Seriously, if I’m still eating all that junk, then why oh why would I be trying to exercise? It’s like paddling upstream while my oars are full of holes   …so I flat out quit.

Only about three weeks into smoking and I feel I’m close, if not totally ready to quit again. I guess it’s good that the feeling has come back around again so soon. Frankly, I hate being a slave to cigarettes and I really hate the way I must smell. I might quit today or it might be tomorrow or maybe next week……shit, it has to be today doesn’t it? No procrastinating!

I did start to exercise again three days ago. My body is reminding me due to all the sore parts…..  my abs and the backs of my legs are soooo sore. Yes, I”m back on the elliptical trainer and using my ab-roller and some other belly-busting exercises I discovered on Youtube. I’d like to ride my bike but I have two flat tires and no pump. I won’t run unless something is chasing me – I think running is stupid. Why should I be in a hurry to go in a circle that leads back to my house anyway? Walking is more my thing.

I’ve also been avoiding potato chips and chocolate cake, or I’ve at least drastically cut back on all the junk. This gives me new hope for the exercising. Sometimes I even skip meals because I don’t think it’s a bad thing to remind yourself of what hunger feels like since so many people are starving in the world, but that’s another story I don’t need to tell.

So there you have it        …..but exercise still sucks!

I’m an idiot. You would think in all my writing and all my doctor appointments, I would have realized bipolar 1 and manic-depressive disorder (or manic depression) are one and the same! On the other hand, my memory is very bad so I may have known this somewhere along the line.

This is why I get confused:

Doctor # 1 said – You’re bipolar
Doctor # 2 said – You’re major-depressive
Doctor # 3 said – You’re bipolar 1

Three things that practically mean the same fucking thing! No wonder I thought I had been misdiagnosed!

A person affected by bipolar I disorder has had at least one manic episode in their life of which I have had and I remember it well. It was super manic and happened after a flight to New York state where my mother was lucky enough to witness it.

I can easily single out this one event due to it being so over-the-top! I distinctly remember having a maniacal laugh and bouncing in my seat of the car like a crazed clown [sigh]. It doesn’t mean I didn’t have others as I’m sure I have, but they were probably chalked up to being in a “really great mood” on those days.

As far as the depressive parts, well I’ve got those in plenty.

My moods have recently become unstable again with an extra hint of anger included. So there has been less passive depression, as I call it, and more depression with more of a peppering of angry aggression.

My daily dose of Abilify has been increased from 2mg to 5mg per day. I feel okay at the moment.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve wanted to write something over the last month but was too angry to do so. Sometimes all it took was opening up a document file to begin writing and closing it in anger before typing a single word.

The good thing is, thanks to my current doctor, I know why ….  I’m Bipolar 1.

I feel numb. Nothing matters enough for me to get anything done today. I don’t care, I just do not care. Yet I feel I had to do something so here I am   ….I came here to type, to talk    …to whatever.

I haven’t exercised in about a week or so, I lost track. I think I got annoyed because my partner cooks so good and it makes me think my desire for a flatter stomach is a joke with him in the kitchen.

I’ve been using marijuana to “fix” my depression and that gives me the munchies from hell and I can kill a bag of potato chips in one sitting …along with a big piece of chocolate cake. So what’s the point of climbing on the elliptical trainer? Today I say, “Screw that.”

Marijuana doesn’t always cure my mood. There are times when marijuana is totally ineffective at pulling me from the deep shit hole I find myself in, but it works pretty damned good most of the time.

A medical marijuana bill was very recently introduced in the Florida House and Senate, but ya know…. I really think it should be legalized for medical and recreational use across the country. Everyone who wants marijuana already has access to it anyway so jeeez Louise, just do it already! Yeah, that’s my scientific and factual opinion on the subject.

Hmmmm, about the exercising…. I do plan to continue it but this week has been …..meh… just numbness and I – do – not – give – a – shit.

Oh yeah….I still haven”t had a cigarette. It will be 9 weeks on Tuesday. I’m craving a real cigarette like a son-of-a-bitch!! If I found one, I’d smoke the shit out of it! How’s that for honestly? I won’t go buy one however, but if someone offers one or if I find one, then hells yeah!

This has been my mood for much of the week. Sometimes the numbness turns into frustration but that’s about it. They teeter totter back and forth.

Anyway, I hope your week is better than mine. …..eh, whatever.

“If you say that getting the money is the most important thing, you’ll spend your life completely wasting your time. You’ll be doing things you don’t like doing in order to go on living, that is to go on doing thing you don’t like doing, which is stupid.” -Alan Watts

I had my first counseling session yesterday and the hour was spent with me babbling on and on, going off on a thousand tangents, until I couldn’t remember why I was talking.

Eventually, it became obvious that I feel bad about not contributing at home in the way I wish I did. The amount of money I bring into the household is almost nonexistent. To make up for the lack of income I clean the house, including laundry, the windows, I cut the grass and feed the dog, cat, fish and birds.

I also make sure the bills get paid, I keep track of all our appointments with labs, doctors and anything else an appointment is needed for, but why doesn’t this feel like it’s enough?

Before we have our next session, the counselor asked me to think about this question…. “If money were no object, what would I like to be doing?”

Well shit… this is something I’ve wondered about for a long time! Why can’t I answer this question? Why is this question just as hard to answer in my forties as it was in my twenties?

I keep playing this video hoping for some inspiration…

“Better to have a short life that is full of what you like doing than a long life spent in a miserable way.” -Alan Watts

My homework is to think on these questions…

• What makes me itch?
• What sort of a situation would I like?
• What would I like to do if money were no object?
• How would I enjoy spending my life?

“Happiness does not depend upon who you are or what you have. It depends solely upon what you think.” –Dale Carnegie

Going back to work has been a real source of anxiety for me because it’s been a long time since I’ve been employed. I never get called for an interview because I’ve burned too many bridges due to depression. I’ve made stupid mistakes and it’s led to a really shitty resume.

This has come back to make me even more depressed but I can’t go back and change history. I can’t go back to shake myself and say, “You’re depressed! Get help!” The damage is done.

I seem to apply to jobs when I’m having an unusual “up” day, but then wish I didn’t apply when I come back down a few notches. When I read, “Now Hiring Happy, Energetic People,” I cringe because I know that’s not me and I think they’ll notice on day one! I just hate to lie in an interview or on a resume! Do successful people lie all the time?

So here I am… I’ve left jobs due to depression and now I’m depressed because I can’t get a job and I feel I can’t contribute at home. That’s a hard thing to have to deal with… the lack of purpose and feeling unimportant.

Then there is the quote at the top of the page. Working shouldn’t determine if I’m happy or not, I should be happy because I’m content with what is. Apparently, I’m not content with what is…

I am entering my mid forties soon so the anxiety about starting over is a bit much to take. Am I going to end up at a job with a high school student as my boss! I think I worry too much, NO, I know I worry too much! Knowing I worry doesn’t really make it go away, it’s just “what is.”

I fell into an angry depression a few days ago and if I had been employed, it may have been one of those days I didn’t show up or call out of work. That scares me.

I’m trying to take more action… I got a few things accomplished today that I’ve been wanting to do for many, many months and if felt good. It’s something to do with a business I’m involved in with my partner.

I did always want to work for myself so maybe this is the Universe helping me by not sending any jobs my way. Like that old saying, “Where one door closes….another opens.” Maybe I’m having anxiety over picking the wrong door? Or not doing the right thing when I walk through it? I guess there’s only one way to find out, right?

I posted a similar video before and it really ….I want to say, “inspires me” but I think I mean something more than inspire. I guess it makes me feel that everything will be alright, no matter what happens to us now. Does that make sense? I don’t really want to type anything else….  enjoy the video…

“Peace is a journey of a thousand miles and it must be taken one step at a time.” -Lyndon B. Johnson

Yes, you’re in the right place I just decided to do a little redecorating!

I was sitting here one day staring at my computer screen and realized that the old website theme was a little dark and gloomy. Not in a bad way because I did like the theme but I thought, if I noticed it then maybe it’s time for a change?

Earlier in the Journey

The old theme reflected where I was on my journey more than three years ago and it definitely was in a greyish time of my life. As I look back at some of the photos I used. it was downright creepy and a little depressing but that’s exactly what I had to express. Part of me was happy three years ago, but I didn’t realize I had a lot more darkness to journey through before I shed the trauma created by using crystal meth.

Below is an image of the old look…

I’m still on that journey but I’ve come to a better place along the way.

Am I Happier?

I thought, if I noticed how dark the theme was then maybe I am happier? …or maybe I have grown bored with the same theme during the past 3 + years? Probably a little bit of both, right?

It could be the exercise, maybe it’s finally helping with my depression? Maybe I’m noticing it in unexpected ways like wanting to brighten up my “safe place” here in cyberspace.

The new theme is brighter with actual color; I really hope you’re cool with orange and turquoise. It makes me think of blue skies and orange flowers and…… well shit, I think I was channeling my inner Betty White.  I really didn’t want to be that happy, I’m more of a Bea Arthur.

Below are a few of the creepy pics I used for some of the older posts.

This does not mean the freaky photos are going away in the future!

I hope this will be a happier place to feel depressed

Jesus H, I thought I would never be able to quit smoking but it’s looking really good! Tomorrow marks four weeks of being smoke free!

I still get cravings and I imagine I’ll always have these cravings to some degree because I’ve smoked for approximately 25 years. Since I can’t go back in time and slap that first cigarette out of my hand, I’ll have to be happy I quit when I did, but I really wish I could tell my younger self how much I would stink like an ashtray throughout my youth. Yes, yes, and all the carcinogens I exposed myself to during those 25 years is awful too.

Smoking Contributed to my Depression

In retrospect I can see how the smoking was contributing to my depression even though I would tell myself the smoking would calm me down. Not being able to quit smoking just added a lot of frustration to my life because deep down I always wanted to quit but ended up feeling like a failure because I never seemed to be able to stop. Plus, people can make you feel like a leper which doesn’t do much for the confidence.

Since quitting I feel better about myself because I reached a goal, I’ve improved my health and I’m saving a butt load of money! The cigarette companies can suck it! Plus, all those poisons in a cigarette can’t be good for a healthy mind.

Electric Cigarette

The e-cig has been a life saver! There is NO smoke, NO tobacco and is by far the lesser of the two evils. It’s far cheaper and has been a great aid in getting off traditional cigarettes.

Chantix made me want to jump off a bridge, the patch sucked (and itched) and the gum was plain ridiculous. I just tossed a box of outdated Nicorette in the trash last week ..haha, totally forgot I had it.

Exercise

I’m still doing well on my exercise routine and obviously, not smoking cigarettes has helped with my breathing and endurance. I think having an exercise routine while quitting cigarettes may have helped me succeed in kicking the habit for good.

If I did it, anyone can!

It’s been a month since I started this so I thought it was time for a little update on my progress and thoughts…

I may not be exercising like a Olympian but I’m doing what I’m able to do and I feel if I keep at it, eventually I’ll get to where I want to be even if it takes longer than someone without all my issues.

Speaking of issues, I’ve noticed no noticeable difference in my depression and neuropathy yet. Maybe it takes a while, I really have no idea. The good news is, so far the elliptical trainer and ab-carver are neuropathy friendly!

It can be a little frustrating to go the slow and steady route, especially when you live in Florida and you know beach weather comes and goes with each passing cold front, but it’s my only option right now.

Every time I climb aboard that elliptical trainer I think, this is so boring! That’s always been my problem with exercise, I find it as exciting as watching paint dry. The only thing keeping me going is knowing my body has been responding and things are beginning to tighten and shrink even though it’s just slightly noticeable, and maybe only to me, but that’s fine.

I had to lay off the ab-carver for a couple days….my abs hurt! I have to remember the all important rule of exercise; give the body regular days off to rest and heal. Sometimes I forget that part and I think that’s what my abs were telling me…whoops, sorry abs!

I’ve been a bit more aware of what I’ve been dumping into my stomach too. I’ve been trying not to eat too late at night which is an official sport in this house. Also, trying not to over-eat at dinner and keep the fattening stuff to a minimum …..more like a “happy medium.” We usually eat healthy here but we always balance that out with junk food because I think we all need just a little, but I’m trying hard not to be a pig and finish the entire bag of chips in one sitting.

I didn’t plan on changing my diet and I think it’s funny how all that takes care of itself naturally without a plan. You just instinctively realize it and your brain just makes the adjustments….or at least that’s how it’s been working for me. I think I just subconsciously don’t want the exercising to be for nothing.

So that’s where I’m at after one month… slow changes but definitely better off than I was 30 days ago.

Today is also my 11th day being tobacco free!

“No act of kindness is too small. The gift of kindness may start as a small ripple that over time can turn into a tidal wave affecting the lives of many.” -Kevin Heath

Any act of kindness usually has a much wider effect than many people think. Kindness shown to one person spreads out and infects others, then those infected with good feelings infect others near them and so on…

You would probably be amazed if you could follow any act of kindness from one person to the next as it spread through that first person and on to a couple more. It can move through an entire building until it spills out into the street… or through the airwaves via your phone. One genuine act ripples out, infects everyone and inspires them to be kind to the next person.

I was feeling miserable the other day; it was one of my depressed moods and I felt I had no purpose. Then when I needed it the most, someone gave me a really nice, yet simple compliment and that, to me, was an act of kindness. That person showed appreciation for what I had done and that instantly lifted me up and gave me the boost I needed. The timing was perfect!

I became happier and my day got better and everyone who came in contact with me had a better experience because of it. It began to ripple out…

This person may have no idea that the small compliment had such an infectious vibe. Or maybe someone provided her with an act of kindness before she came to me?

Either way the kindness spread and it changed people and their behavior and the act is probably still rippling out across the globe infecting others in a positive way.

It inspired me to type it out to inspire others; being kind is easy, it’s free and it’s as simple as a smile.

If you want to change the world you can start by being kind to everyone. Even those who make it very difficult but I think they need it the most. You may have an effect on their lives even if they refuse to let it show. The next person they come in contact with may benefit from your act of kindness.

Eventually, as it spreads across the globe then around the other side, it will come up behind you and your own act of kindness may even effect you!