“Depression is the inability to construct a future.” -Rollo May
The thing I wish for myself is passion, a passion for anything! I’m talking about something along the lines of a career or my purpose in life, not about my personal relationships. The relationships I have with my family, my partner and my friends are really good and I consider myself lucky to have every one of them.
The passion for something beyond that has remained as elusive as Bigfoot dancing in a leotard while unicorns sing and fart glitter rainbows! At this point in my life, I feel like you’re more likely to snap a picture of Bigfoot and the unicorns than to find me discovering a passion for anything.
Take this website because it’s a good example of what I mean. It works and I use it but I get to a certain point and everything stops and I can’t get myself beyond whatever it is at this moment. There are things I could be doing with this site but my interest only carries it so far, but I do know that writing here has lasted longer than anything else I’ve ever tried or any job I’ve ever held.
I want to be able to wake up and be excited about whatever it is I would be waking up to do! Another example – I like art …but shouldn’t I love art if it were my passion? I don’t wake up wanting to do it. I can go months or years without diving into it again, but I see others who enjoy it and they just have a drive to create stuff every day but for me it’s very frustrating.
People around me believe I have creative talent (more than I think I deserve) and they wonder why I don’t do more, but I simply don’t feel that inspired. Now I feel a degree of pressure to BE creative and it’s just not in me much of the time. There are so many things I have a passive interest in but nothing lights my fire, there’s only a little spark that quickly burns itself out. I’m definitely not short on sparks but fire is as elusive to me as Bigfoot and those damn unicorns.
I am so envious of people who have a passion for what they do and I yearn for it everyday. I want something to wake up to that I am excited about but I have no idea how to find it. Could it be that I have found it but have no way to recognize it due to the depression I feel all the time?
I’m also at my end when people think I’m just lazy but the truth is, depression is crippling. Sometimes it’s so bad that I’m frozen in place and lack the ability to lift a finger but it is not because I don’t want to, it is simply because I can’t.
Existing with depression without passion is becoming more and more difficult as the years go by and what’s more frustrating are the very short-lived ‘good feelings’ I have about life and what might be in store for me. You can bounce around this website and you’ll be able to tell when I was upbeat and when I was feeling depression depending on what I wrote that week.
There is a lot of depression today. I’m frustrated with some borderline anger, there’s a dash of numbness with a super fragile exterior that cracks when someone looks at me wrong. How do I create a future out of that?
Tags: anxiety, depressed, depression, depression quote, human interest, mental block, mental health, passion, purpose in life, Rollo May quote
“I’m also at my end when people think I’m just lazy but the truth is, depression is crippling. Sometimes it’s so bad that I’m frozen in place and lack the ability to lift a finger but it is not because I don’t want to, it is simply because I can’t.”
Ditto.
Here’s something that helped me: The Enneagram.
It is an ancient teaching that divides the personality into 9 distinct types. It is amazingly accurate and can help define some of your frustrations. Only you can fix you, however. I suspect you are a four. So am I.
I am also an artist, a wanna be writer and suffer from depression. Maybe someday I’ll start a blog and find healing there, after I finish that painting I started 5 years ago and do the dishes that haven’t been done for a month. Yeah honey, I get it.
I found you on Stumbleupon. So glad I did. It’s nice to hear another voice like my own.
Hi Lezlie,
Hearing from others who deal with the same thing is always comforting, I feel the same about the comments I get so thank you for yours! The Enneagram sounds interesting! I will definitely check that out, thank you!
If you really ever start a blog,try this site…
http://wpprobusiness.com/
Lots of good stuff there.
I took a free Enneagram test online and was told I’m most likely a 9 – The Peacemaker
Taking wings into account, I seem to be a 4w5 or 9w1, but I’m not entirely sure what that means.
Darrin,
P
There are many different websites on the Enneagram. I should have suggested http://www.enneagraminstitute.com. They are on of the most comprehensive. It gets very complicated at the beginning. Once you start to read the description of each the four and nine, one will certainly ring more true. My niece, who introduced me to the Enneagram thought I was a nine too, however I am a 4 with a 5 wing. That rang overwhelmingly clear for me. The ‘wings’ are the personalities that are on either side. Fours are heart people where 5′s are head people. I am a balance between the two. It just means you draw characteristics from that personality. Some people are a dual wing. It will get more involved once you find a sight that helps you really understand the whole concept. It will also help you understand other people, especially those you struggle to connect with. There are three basic instincts. Head, heart and gut. I would suggest you are a four if you trust your heart as an instinct. If you follow your gut as an instinct, then you would be a nine. For me, both the four and five spend a lot of time in their heads. The four is the imaginative side, daydreaming, living imaginary lives that often function better than reality. The five is the analytical side. Picking things apart…seeing how they work. I am also an introvert and an Aquarius which adds another dimension. Then there is the depression and fibromyalgia….oh my, I am screwed!
I hope, if you continue to look at the Enneagram, you will find some answers. It will not provide a cure for anything, but awareness is half the battle and I have found it to be most helpful in my own inner personal growth. It has given me permission to feel the way I feel, ‘cuz that is just how I am made. I look forward to hearing more about your journey.
By the way. I just took a minute to read your ‘intro’. I believe are a four. You use the word ‘feel’ way to much to be a nine. Fours are full of feelings. If you were a nine, you’d use the word ‘know’ instead. It’s not that nines don’t have feelings, but it’s more of a four expression.
Just my two cents worth on that!