“Depression is the inability to construct a future.” -Rollo May
The thing I wish for myself is passion, a passion for anything! I’m talking about something along the lines of a career or my purpose in life, not about my personal relationships. The relationships I have with my family, my partner and my friends are really good and I consider myself lucky to have every one of them.
The passion for something beyond that has remained as elusive as Bigfoot dancing in a leotard while unicorns sing and fart glitter rainbows! At this point in my life, I feel like you’re more likely to snap a picture of Bigfoot and the unicorns than to find me discovering a passion for anything.
Take this website because it’s a good example of what I mean. It works and I use it but I get to a certain point and everything stops and I can’t get myself beyond whatever it is at this moment. There are things I could be doing with this site but my interest only carries it so far, but I do know that writing here has lasted longer than anything else I’ve ever tried or any job I’ve ever held.
I want to be able to wake up and be excited about whatever it is I would be waking up to do! Another example – I like art …but shouldn’t I love art if it were my passion? I don’t wake up wanting to do it. I can go months or years without diving into it again, but I see others who enjoy it and they just have a drive to create stuff every day but for me it’s very frustrating.
People around me believe I have creative talent (more than I think I deserve) and they wonder why I don’t do more, but I simply don’t feel that inspired. Now I feel a degree of pressure to BE creative and it’s just not in me much of the time. There are so many things I have a passive interest in but nothing lights my fire, there’s only a little spark that quickly burns itself out. I’m definitely not short on sparks but fire is as elusive to me as Bigfoot and those damn unicorns.
I am so envious of people who have a passion for what they do and I yearn for it everyday. I want something to wake up to that I am excited about but I have no idea how to find it. Could it be that I have found it but have no way to recognize it due to the depression I feel all the time?
I’m also at my end when people think I’m just lazy but the truth is, depression is crippling. Sometimes it’s so bad that I’m frozen in place and lack the ability to lift a finger but it is not because I don’t want to, it is simply because I can’t.
Existing with depression without passion is becoming more and more difficult as the years go by and what’s more frustrating are the very short-lived ‘good feelings’ I have about life and what might be in store for me. You can bounce around this website and you’ll be able to tell when I was upbeat and when I was feeling depression depending on what I wrote that week.
There is a lot of depression today. I’m frustrated with some borderline anger, there’s a dash of numbness with a super fragile exterior that cracks when someone looks at me wrong. How do I create a future out of that?