“Pray that your loneliness may spur you into finding something to live for, great enough to die for.” ~ Dag Hammarskjold
Ghosts can be good or bad, nostalgic or haunting. Once meth was my heaven and also my hell on earth. My life felt empty and meaningless and I became detached from reality existing day to day – hour to hour. I limped through the days and nights, physically and mentally, I grew more passive and numb, and my world became stagnant.
Everything Good was Gone
The friends I had, the ones that cared, were hours or days away. I needed their shoulders so bad but they seemed so far out of reach. Every day I would wish for my friends to be near, yet if they called, it would be hard to hear their voices on the phone. I was emotionally distant from my family and when their calls came in I remained cold and isolated. My true friends, my family had become ghosts. Meth pushed them away.
I only had the others, the ones who did not truly care about me. There were acquaintances, strangers, and cold-hearted manipulators all around and I was the outsider in another town. Meth was my new friend.
Unwanted and Unworthy
There was a feeling of a black hole in my chest that pulled on my soul. It was a feeling of being consumed alive, a constant distortion of reality that only I could see. Sometimes I felt it would always be this way, always troubled, forever tormented, and I thought I was going insane….all because of meth.
I was not without feelings or intuition but I ignored them. I was the one who did not stop it that life and bought into it. I found myself surrounded by lies, deception, and cunning deceit created by meth. I chose to believe in their reasoning, their knowing, rather than my own even though mine was screaming at me.
When there is no trust, there are only ghosts. Ghosts of people I knew, things I did, happier times, the ghosts were everywhere and everyone. The walls I put up only blocked them for so long – they creep back through the smallest cracks.
A Time Gone By
Those days of meth, anguish, deceit, fear, and when I trusted too easily in those that deserved no trust – those are today’s ghosts.
What do you do to stop a ghost? If a wall won’t stop it then face it. If you can’t outrun a ghost, then confront it. These phantoms have no substance – manifestations of my own mind. I gave them energy years ago and now I’m taking it away.
Believe in yourself. Trust yourself.
Tags: addiction, crystal meth, Dag Hammarskjold quotes, deceit, drugs, energy, family, friend, friends, ghosts, happiness, haunted, life, manipulate, Methamphetamine, nostalgic, sadness, soul, true friend
That is so fantastic and I couldn’t agree more, these things must be dealt with no matter how painful. I too was surrounded by these same people, and I have to say there was always a part of me that knew it and hated it and myself for making the constant compromises to keep my connections to my poison. Those lost souls and cold hearted manipulators finally pushed me to the point where I said ENOUGH! I have them to thank for my sobriety, that and the fact that I never completely allowed myself to identify and become one of them. Where the story ends usually depends on where you start and many of these people started with nothing and so fell even farther. I thank god and my family for helping me see the difference between me and them. For others out there I say, don’t give up, it is a process not an event and it takes a good 18 mos. to 2 yrs. before you will be able to experience joy, sadness and grief. The brain is an incredibly resilient organ but it needs time to recover from being duped by chemicals so it can start producing its own again. You’ve been possessed by a demon but it can be exorcised and nothing worthwhile ever comes easy. Don’t isolate yourself and don’t wait until you have lost everything. As long as you are still sucking air life is possible!
Well said Suebee…maybe you should write a blog
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