“The scars you can’t see are the hardest to heal.” ~Astrid Alauda
There was a time after I stopped using meth and began medication for bipolar disorder when I felt exceptionally well. I felt healed and I thought the worst was all behind me then that wave of regret kept coming at me at an alarming frequency and I thought it was just the anxiety of past mistakes.
I always realized I had suffered emotionally and psychologically but I never realized that it was yet another form of trauma that went much deeper than I originally thought. I now know that I have been seriously traumatized, emotionally and psychologically, by events from my past. The events during my meth use that connected me to people who were masters at psychological games and abuse.
Sometimes for only hours and sometimes many days of the week I struggle with disturbing emotions, frightening and horrible memories, and a very real sense of imminent danger that I can’t seem to shake off.
What is Emotional & Psychological Trauma?
Emotional and psychological trauma is the result of extraordinarily stressful events that shatter your sense of security, making you feel helpless and vulnerable in a dangerous world.
An Event May Lead to Trauma If:
- It happened unexpectedly.
- You were unprepared for it.
- You felt powerless to prevent it.
- It happened repeatedly.
- Someone was intentionally cruel.
- It happened in childhood.
With the exception of anything happening in my childhood, it all applies to me. This is the anxiety I deal with on a regular basis and has been getting worse since that initial time I felt “exceptionally well” that I mentioned above. It’s becoming more difficult to push aside and go about my life and I am beginning to think I may need the help of a professional.
I also think it has been making my efforts to quit smoking impossible because it is a very comforting thing to be able to go have a cigarette while having these bad emotions race through my mind and body.
I am pretty sure I know where the trauma originated so now I just need to figure out how to deal with it…
This music is speaking to me right now….
Later on I felt better after I Refocused on the Present
Tags: abuse, anxiety, Astrid Alauda quote, Bipolar, bipolar disorder, crystal meth, drug abuse, Emotional trauma, emotions, Evanescence My Immortal, fear, frightening, memory and trauma, mental health, meth, Psychological Trauma, stress