“Bipolar disorder can be a great teacher. It’s a challenge, but it can set you up to be able to do almost anything else in your life.” ~ Carrie Fisher
I recently began seeing a new case worker and doctor because I have no insurance. The case worker stated that she tends to question when a person is diagnosed with bipolar disorder because it seems to happen too often. Then I began to question if I am bipolar at all.
I looked back to the time before I was medicated and compared it to the time after medication. There is an ocean the size of Jupiter between the person I am now and the person I once was. I’ll give you a couple examples….
I recently discovered a new term called, Bipolar Hypersexuality and Infidelity. In a nutshell, this describes my entire adult life up to settling into my meds. I cheated like there was no tomorrow and never thought twice about it, didn’t care about repercussions, didn’t really care who knew, didn’t try very hard to hide it. I just didn’t care!
Today I wouldn’t even consider it and the thought of hurting my current partner in that way would be like ripping my own heart out.
I wrote about a secret shame back in August of this year but I never followed up on it because frankly, it carries a tremendous amount of shame for me. Today I will briefly continue that story. One day after being let go from a job I discovered people would actually hand me wads of cash for sex (God, I can’t believe I’m actually typing this). It became addictive and that is how I payed my bills for about 6 months of my life. When someone hands you $800 dollars, which is the most I made from one individual at one time, you tend to want more. You get this weird “high” from it and the manic kicks in. I only had to work a few hours per week and I enjoyed it in a sick way.
It wasn’t until I was on my medication that it truly became pure horror and shame. I couldn’t possibly involve myself in anything remotely close to this unimaginable scenario today.
Then here’s the obvious…. the intravenous meth use! Holy shit! I mean really…. HOLY SHIT! The amount of stupid that I could type here just seems pointless. Check any horrible sounding story I have published about meth and you’ll know the nightmare. Below is a sample of my experiences and many more if you explore the “topics” section of this site.
If I had crystal meth in my hand at this very moment I would run to the toilet and flush it so fast your head would spin! There isn’t one little part of me that would want to try it again….not one!
I’m very confident in saying, “yes, I am bipolar.” There are far too many things I did before being medicated that put me in crazy amounts of danger. I feel I was missing a common moral center and had a difficult time knowing good from bad. Taking a step back to view that ocean of differences in the old and newer me makes me realize how much I can do….
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