“Bipolar disorder can be a great teacher. It’s a challenge, but it can set you up to be able to do almost anything else in your life.” ~ Carrie Fisher
I recently began seeing a new case worker and doctor because I have no insurance. The case worker stated that she tends to question when a person is diagnosed with bipolar disorder because it seems to happen too often. Then I began to question if I am bipolar at all.
I looked back to the time before I was medicated and compared it to the time after medication. There is an ocean the size of Jupiter between the person I am now and the person I once was. I’ll give you a couple examples….
Infidelity
I recently discovered a new term called, Bipolar Hypersexuality and Infidelity. In a nutshell, this describes my entire adult life up to settling into my meds. I cheated like there was no tomorrow and never thought twice about it, didn’t care about repercussions, didn’t really care who knew, didn’t try very hard to hide it. I just didn’t care!
Today I wouldn’t even consider it and the thought of hurting my current partner in that way would be like ripping my own heart out.
Sex Crimes
I wrote about a secret shame back in August of this year but I never followed up on it because frankly, it carries a tremendous amount of shame for me. Today I will briefly continue that story. One day after being let go from a job I discovered people would actually hand me wads of cash for sex (God, I can’t believe I’m actually typing this). It became addictive and that is how I payed my bills for about 6 months of my life. When someone hands you $800 dollars, which is the most I made from one individual at one time, you tend to want more. You get this weird “high” from it and the manic kicks in. I only had to work a few hours per week and I enjoyed it in a sick way.
It wasn’t until I was on my medication that it truly became pure horror and shame. I couldn’t possibly involve myself in anything remotely close to this unimaginable scenario today.
Drugs
Then here’s the obvious…. the intravenous meth use! Holy shit! I mean really…. HOLY SHIT! The amount of stupid that I could type here just seems pointless. Check any horrible sounding story I have published about meth and you’ll know the nightmare. Below is a sample of my experiences and many more if you explore the “topics” section of this site.
If I had crystal meth in my hand at this very moment I would run to the toilet and flush it so fast your head would spin! There isn’t one little part of me that would want to try it again….not one!
My Conclusion
I’m very confident in saying, “yes, I am bipolar.” There are far too many things I did before being medicated that put me in crazy amounts of danger. I feel I was missing a common moral center and had a difficult time knowing good from bad. Taking a step back to view that ocean of differences in the old and newer me makes me realize how much I can do….
eBook Available for only $4.97
Journey of a Dragonfly: A True Story of Bipolar Disorder & Crystal Meth
Tags: Bipolar, Carrie Fisher quote, cheating, crystal meth, depression, drugs, hypersexuality, infidelity, manic, medication, meth, prostitution, sex addiction, sex crimes
[...] I didn’t always pass out and there were many times it seemed to do nothing, and other times it was “just right.” Unfortunately, the bad scenario happened many more times but usually with people I knew. It seemed to not matter whether they were strangers or not. Even my “friends” seemed to leave me in a corner or in a room while I was passed out. At least that’s what I was told. How was I to know what happened to my body while I was in that state? Why did I do it? [...]
[...] to be able to think of anything else. It felt like an addiction that could never be satisfied. I hooked up with total strangers and knew exactly how dangerous it was but I didn’t care that things [...]
[...] I did many things that I regret and definitely wouldn’t have done while sober, but that wasn’t the real [...]
[...] treatment I couldn’t go more than a week without sex if not less …sometimes hours! Bipolar hyper-sexuality had always been a [...]
[...] for the disorder. I have written about how I feel bipolar disorder caused what is called “bipolar hyper-sexuality and infidelity.” Hyper-sexuality of course led to contracting HIV and then the heavy meth use on top of all that [...]
[...] Bad decisions make good stories. [...]
[...] Unprotected sex and drugs were two big ones but at least I can now makes sense of the unprotected sex with bipolar hyper-sexuality. Any sex that was wrong or taboo was desired over safe, “socially acceptable” sex. [...]
[...] thing in particular was bipolar hypersexuality! Well, if I am not bipolar then exactly what was my problem? One friend thought it may have been an [...]
Hi. You guys seem to know what you’re talking about so I’m gonna ask for some advice. My wife of 14 years went astray recently. She had two affairs demanded a divorce b/c I couldn’t cope with her betrayal at the time. A week later she asked me to swing by to do something with our son. I show up and with just one look at her knew this was not my wife. I coached my way back in her good graces got her to open up and got her to the right people and boom. She is BD1 with mixed mania. I was blown away at first but then the 14 years said otherwise. I know she’s a great and decent person but my fear is with this Betty Davis, I named it that b/c we always wanted a daughter and since we won’t be having anymore babies I named her disorder Betty Davis. She actually liked it. She’s on medication now and her moods are stabilized. We have figured out her triggers and trying to work our way back to happiness once again.
My ?’s are. Is the hyprosexiallity that big that it would over take a person and take risk that extreme? Is this going to be a problem in our future with her on medication? And how is the best way to help her with our daughter Betty without going crazy myself?
Husband of a Beautiful Bipolar Woman.
Hi Jason, I’m not sure what advice I would feel comfortable giving you on such an important subject as your marriage… I am only one guy who has had his own experiences and I’m not a doctor of any kind.
All I can say is for me, the hypersexuality was very, very difficult to control before my medication. Once those flood gates opened it was hard to keep the water from raging out. My judgement seemed to be impaired… I knew I was doing something wrong yet it had absolutely no meaning. It did not mean I didn’t love my partner, because I did. Medications have helped a lot and I have never cheated on my current partner.
What I write here is based of my own experiences and no two people are alike. Just remember, your wife may be in a really bad place and her actions don’t necessarily reflect how she really feels about you. So, my advice is to seek a professional to help you both….your marriage is too important.
If she does things that make no sense, it’s not really her, it’s the illness so try not to take things personally. Sometimes you have to let her win the argument to avoid it escalating into something horrible. When I get depressed or angry and talk to my partner about something I thought was really bad, I don’t want advice or to hear what I’m doing wrong….sometimes I just want to hear him say, “I get it, I understand.”
I hope I was of some kind of help.