“Give light, and the darkness will disappear of itself.” ~ Desiderius Erasmus
There was a period of time I was so completely lost in the world of hallucinations I couldn’t tell a shadow from a real person. I’m not sure how much of it was the crystal meth and how much came from the lack of sleep, no doubt, it was both.
Weekend Meth Party
In a normal weekend the meth would begin on Friday night and last until Sunday afternoon. The first night of partying wasn’t the night the shadow people showed up, it was usually sometime Saturday. It didn’t matter if it was night or day since every shade and curtain was pulled to let the least amount of light in.
Light is not a friend of people on meth. It was like being a vampire – there were times I wanted to paint my windows black. Of course I’d never do it because the neighbors would notice which would make me more paranoid. It was bad enough that I thought the neighbors were all outside speculating about what was going on inside when in fact, they were probably home doing their dishes.
Out of the corner of my eye I’d see something – it was always a figure, a silhouette, a flicker of light, or some dark shape lurking behind a curtain – these were Shadow People. When I turned my head it would disappear and sometimes I swear I’d see it move. My paranoia would then explode.
Who let people in the house? Why are they watching me? Have I done something to make them torment me? How are they able to hide without me seeing how they got in! Were my friends letting them in? Were my friends plotting against me? I always thought the people I hung out with were very aware of exactly who was inside the house.
Lurking in the closet, I’d see shadows of heads, torsos, arms, legs, and feet all interwoven in the clothes and through the cracks of the door. I thought they were all going to come out at some specified time. I thought they were waiting patiently for me to do something. At times I even thought they were undercover cops waiting to bust me and that terrified me – but they were only Shadow People.
Many times I’d be sitting in my own house afraid to move, afraid to do anything that might make the shadow people come out. In my mind they were very real. Sometimes I’d get brave and try to “confront” one of the shadow people only to find nothing there. Of course, I’d feel like a lunatic and have a flash of sanity. A very fast and short flash and in minutes I’d be back to insanity. My mind would go on and on never stopping – more Shadow People came.
By Sunday there was nothing left of me except a highly paranoid, extremely anxious, scared out of my mind, lump of exhausted flesh. It was truly terrifying.
Once I was able to sleep much of this would go away. It usually took a few nights of good sleep before I felt “normal” again. The paranoia melted away, the shadow people disappeared, and the fear was replaced by a feeling of confusion and insanity.
It felt like something in my head snapped and I could no longer distinguish what was real and what was imaginary. I began to think of what I couldn’t remember. Did things happen when I seemed to have “blacked out?” Did I black out? I couldn’t remember. At this point, all I knew was confusion.
It’s amazing what sleep and the lack of sleep does to the body and mind. I’ve learned the hard way that sleep is vital to good health and a clear head. More importantly, so is the absence of meth.