Saved by Slow Death

“Until one has loved an animal, a part of one’s soul remains unawakened.“ ~Anatole France

I was watching TV and there was a show about animals helping veterans deal with the many problems they face when they return home. They help them cope with emotional trauma among other things and I immediately began to think how my dog and cat both seem to know when I’m feeling bad, suffering from my depression or just having problems with my anxiety. Continue reading

“The scars you can’t see are the hardest to heal.” ~Astrid Alauda

There was a time after I stopped using meth and began medication for bipolar disorder when I felt exceptionally well. I felt healed and I thought the worst was all behind me then that wave of regret kept coming at me at an alarming frequency and I thought it was just the anxiety of past mistakes.

I always realized I had suffered emotionally and psychologically but I never realized that it was yet another form of trauma that went much deeper than I originally thought. I now know that I have been seriously traumatized, emotionally and psychologically, by events from my past. The events during my meth use that connected me to people who were masters at psychological games and abuse. Continue reading

“Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable.” ~Sydney J. Harris

Living with bipolar disorder (undiagnosed) until my late 30′s is making my current life (diagnosed & medicated) far more difficult than I ever would have guessed.

Throughout my life I have made more than my share of bad decisions but they didn’t seem that bad while I was making them, but I had no idea there was a mental illness that was short circuiting my thoughts. When I made a bad decision it never completely registered that it was bad. On some level I knew I was doing something really bad but it had very, very little meaning. Continue reading

“When a sinister person means to be your enemy, they always start by trying to become your friend.” ~ William Blake

This week has been awful, my anxiety has sky-rocketed over disturbing thoughts I have been having about my past meth use. So here I am, about to get a little more out of my system so I can try to just let it go.I have been learning more about the gay drug culture and it has been totally freaking me out. My current boyfriend has been telling me stories about his own experiences with drugs and those who are deeply rooted in that lifestyle. As I learn about his history, I can’t help but reevaluate my own memories and it has made them even more disturbing. Continue reading

“Forgiveness is the sweetest revenge.” ~ Isaac Friedmann

As I sit on the sofa my heart pounds, my breath is short, and my hands are shaking. Memories of meth flood my mind, faces fly through my head, some clear, some blurred. A series of what ifs, and what don’t I know, go around and around in my head, over and over, never ending. Continue reading

“Let him who would enjoy a good future waste none of his present.” ~ Roger Babson

Each and every day I go through memory warfare.  Every day something triggers those horrible feelings I experienced on crystal meth – every emotion that comes from a place of fear. The feeling of being abandoned and alone. The feeling of being used and abused, deceived and manipulated….some days it’s as painful as it was the first time I felt them.

I wrote about some of those feelings seven months ago in a post called, Ghosts of Time Gone By, which goes deeper into how I felt….and still feel.  Suffice it to say, the memories I had while high on meth were the most frightening experiences I’ve ever had….I mean really, really, horrifying. Continue reading

I have no idea what is on the TV behind me but I just heard a woman say she’s a “Psycho Virgo Perfectionist.” Then my boyfriend literally laughed out loud and pointed directly at ME! Okay, I am a Virgo…and yes, I tend to be a perfectionist…..and apparently, my boyfriend says I have psycho moments. Hmmmm. I have to be honest, I agree with him. Here’s the thing, I am a Virgo and am always right…..but he is a Leo, which means he thinks he’s always right. HA! I mean that in the most loving way. It’s humor people! Continue reading

“The most important thing in life is to learn how to give out love, and to let it come in.” ~ Morrie Schwartz

As you may know, I go through a bit of depression and anxiety over my past and begin reliving the nightmares when I felt abused and betrayed by people on meth, while I was using meth.

Yesterday was one of those days. For no reason at all, negative emotions flood through me leaving me angry, sad, depressed, and lonely as if I’m at the bottom of a dark, bottomless, pit. I try not to let it happen but some days it is overwhelming. Continue reading