Saved by Slow Death

“The scars you can’t see are the hardest to heal.” ~Astrid Alauda

There was a time after I stopped using meth and began medication for bipolar disorder when I felt exceptionally well. I felt healed and I thought the worst was all behind me then that wave of regret kept coming at me at an alarming frequency and I thought it was just the anxiety of past mistakes.

I always realized I had suffered emotionally and psychologically but I never realized that it was yet another form of trauma that went much deeper than I originally thought. I now know that I have been seriously traumatized, emotionally and psychologically, by events from my past. The events during my meth use that connected me to people who were masters at psychological games and abuse. Continue reading

“All the works of man have their origin in creative fantasy. What right have we then to depreciate imagination.” ~Carl Jung

As far back as I can remember I have always loved to be creative from plastering my bedroom walls with crazy things I made (like the dragonfly above), to being an art major in school and now writing here. Somewhere along the line I feel like I lost a lot of what I use to have inside. Continue reading

Howdy people, it’s been a little over a month since I’ve made a peep here. The last thing I told you was how aromatherapy works great on me for depression …except for this last month. Over the last month it did diddly squat for my moods.

I found a quote that did a good job at summing up the past 30 days of depression ….more or less. Continue reading

“I do the very best I know how – the very best I can; and I mean to keep on doing so until the end.”  ~Abraham Lincoln

Putting many of my experiences with bipolar disorder into an ebook was a little scary and slightly overwhelming. Those experiences ranged from the deep depression, to drugs, to prostitution and I didn’t know how it would be received. Would people think even less of me or would people understand bipolar disorder a little bit better? I was hoping for the latter. Continue reading

“A lot of people don’t realize that depression is an illness. I don’t wish it on anyone, but if they would know how it feels, I swear they would think twice before they just shrug it.” ~Jonathan Davis

Over the last several days I have been growing more numb inside. My mood isn’t even an obvious depression, but one of  just not caring or giving a damn about anything and that’s the numbness I feel….as if I died on the inside and my body hasn’t caught up yet. I thought about writing here but didn’t because I just didn’t care enough to  …but while I was lying on my bed, I picked up my journal from the nightstand and just wrote and it came out with ease and that is what follows below.

“Things are no better and not sure if they’re worse. Is it worse to not give a damn about anything in my life right now or is it worse to be depressed about it? Depression would suggest some level of caring wouldn’t it? Continue reading

“I have nothing to offer but blood, toil, tears and sweat.” ~Winston Churchill

This ebook contains a very personal and very true story of some of my struggles. Bipolar disorder made it easy to do very unhealthy things which is why I am where I am. I have burned bridges and have a poor work history due to a life of bad bipolar induced decisions. Below are some excerpts from my ebook, “Journey of a Dragonfly.” Continue reading

“The road of life twists and turns and no two directions are ever the same. Yet our lessons come from the journey, not the destination.” ~Don Williams, Jr.

A story of extreme depression, self-sabotage, feelings of worthlessness, drug abuse and how I changed it.

When I began writing about my experiences with crystal meth I didn’t know where to begin because my memories were scattered in my head like a new jigsaw puzzle still in the box. I knew I had the pieces but didn’t know which piece to pick first. Over time I began to see a pattern form and was able to put a lot of it into a sensible order and then I saw a bigger picture. One where drugs were not the root of my problem – bipolar disorder was and still is. Continue reading

“There is no Challenge more challenging than the challenge to improve yourself.” ~Michael F. Staley

After surviving my meth problem and after I did my time in the hospital I encountered an unexpected challenge. I began associating meth with sex, and sex with meth and it became very difficult to think of one without the other. They were two very different things that, over time, had become one. Fear made me hold on to both for a little while longer.

Sex

Being the social animals that we are, we all wish for a warm body to be close to at one time or another. Either you want sex or just crave some type of physical contact with another human being. It’s a natural yearning most of us have and there’s only so long you can go without. Continue reading

“If you’re a meth addict you either throw in the towel and go into treatment, or you scramble to find some other way to get it.” ~Curt Smith

Many of us have heard of the website, Faces of Meth, that show before and after photos of meth addicts. These pictures are frightening enough but the face meth gave me was a bit different. The face you see above is my face after more than two years of heavy meth use which led directly to the poorest health of my life. Continue reading

“At any moment, you have a choice, that either leads you closer to your spirit or further away from it.” ~ Thich Nhat Hanh

My mom always says, “If it’s something you can’t tell your mother about, you probably shouldn’t be doing it.” I think she is right, I think we all have an inner knowing of what is right or wrong without anyone having to tell us.

Being bipolar throws a wrench into that way of thinking – for me it meant knowing this difference between acceptable or unacceptable behavior but not giving a damn which one I chose. I didn’t worry myself with consequences or what people thought about me, I just did things on a whim and said, “whatever.” Continue reading