Monday, April 29th, 2013 | Permalink
I’m an idiot. You would think in all my writing and all my doctor appointments, I would have realized bipolar 1 and manic-depressive disorder (or manic depression) are one and the same! On the other hand, my memory is very bad so I may have known this somewhere along the line.
This is why I get confused:
Doctor # 1 said – You’re bipolar
Doctor # 2 said – You’re major-depressive
Doctor # 3 said – You’re bipolar 1
Wednesday, November 28th, 2012 | Permalink
“Whether you think you can, or you think you can’t–you’re right.” -Henry Ford
Are you still using drugs? You don’t have to be. Do you think your life is too far out of control to turn it around? You’re wrong. Do you think you can’t do it? Oh, but you can! You are so much more than you think you are and you’re capable of so much more than you realize!. (more…)
Saturday, June 23rd, 2012 | Permalink
“The doors we open and close each day decide the lives we live.” -Flora Whittemore
A door opened for me in November 2009 that took me on a mental roller coaster ride, a ride I had been on before, a ride I thought I knew well. As I relived that ride, that handful 
of years with you, I thought I knew which way the path was going, where the turns were and where the exit point would be, but I would soon be surprised that I had no idea where I had been.
I had no idea I would be questioning everything all over again – what I did and why I did it. I think I learned more about those drug filled, emotionally tortured years by writing about them than I would have learned throughout the remainder of my days on this earth without writing about them. (more…)
Monday, February 27th, 2012 | Permalink
To live in this world today we always need to search for the good in any given situation no matter how dark and depressing it seems to be at the time. I have found the silver lining in the most unlikely places, even when I was lying in the hospital wearing a diaper while family and friends were afraid I would die.
Bipolar disorder is a bitch for those with the disorder, for those who live with them as well as some of their family and friends. Living with it means being constantly misunderstood because many people are unaware of the many facets including hyper-sexuality, forgetfulness, and taking extreme risks because we often lack any sense of danger. (more…)
Friday, February 3rd, 2012 | Permalink
“The scars you can’t see are the hardest to heal.” ~Astrid Alauda
There was a time after I stopped using meth and began medication for bipolar disorder when I felt exceptionally well. I felt healed and I thought the worst was all behind me then that wave of regret kept coming at me at an alarming frequency and I thought it was just the anxiety of past mistakes.
I always realized I had suffered emotionally and psychologically but I never realized that it was yet another form of trauma that went much deeper than I originally thought. I now know that I have been seriously traumatized, emotionally and psychologically, by events from my past. The events during my meth use that connected me to people who were masters at psychological games and abuse. (more…)
Friday, January 13th, 2012 | Permalink
“All the works of man have their origin in creative fantasy. What right have we then to depreciate imagination.” ~Carl Jung
As far back as I can remember I have always loved to be creative from plastering my bedroom walls with crazy things I made (like the dragonfly above), to being an art major in school and now writing here. Somewhere along the line I feel like I lost a lot of what I use to have inside.
These days whenever I try being creative I feel lost and a bit numb. Creatively, I am usually in a rut that feels a bit like sinking in quicksand. I really miss my right-brain! (more…)
Thursday, December 22nd, 2011 | Permalink
Howdy people, it’s been a little over a month since I’ve made a peep here. The last thing I told you was how aromatherapy works great on me for depression …except for this last month. Over the last month it did diddly squat for my moods.
I found a quote that did a good job at summing up the past 30 days of depression ….more or less.
“Whenever someone sorrows, I do not say, “forget it,” or “it will pass,” or “it could be worse” — all of which deny the integrity of the painful experience. But I say, to the contrary, “It is worse than you may allow yourself to think. Delve into the depth. Stay with the feeling. Think of it as a precious source of knowledge and guidance. Then and only then will you be ready to face it and be transformed in the process.” ~Peter Koestenbaum (more…)
Monday, October 31st, 2011 | Permalink
“I do the very best I know how – the very best I can; and I mean to keep on doing so until the end.” ~Abraham Lincoln
Putting many of my experiences with bipolar disorder into an ebook was a little scary and slightly overwhelming. Those experiences ranged from the deep depression, to drugs, to prostitution and I didn’t know how it would be received. Would people think even less of me or would people understand bipolar disorder a little bit better? I was hoping for the latter.
I suffered through bipolar disorder for decades before a doctor finally recognized it in my late thirties. By that time I was like an old automobile that hadn’t been taken care of and had lost all re-sale value. In other words, no one wanted to hire me, I suffered from painful nerve damage (neuropathy), partial loss of vision, loss of energy, stamina, and many lingering bouts of depression even though I was medicated. (more…)
Thursday, September 29th, 2011 | Permalink
“A lot of people don’t realize that depression is an illness. I don’t wish it on anyone, but if they would know how it feels, I swear they would think twice before they just shrug it.” ~Jonathan Davis
Over the last several days I have been growing more numb inside. My mood isn’t even an obvious depression, but one of just not caring or giving a damn about anything and that’s the numbness I feel….as if I died on the inside and my body hasn’t caught up yet. I thought about writing here but didn’t because I just didn’t care enough to …but while I was lying on my bed, I picked up my journal from the nightstand and just wrote and it came out with ease and that is what follows below.
“Things are no better and not sure if they’re worse. Is it worse to not give a damn about anything in my life right now or is it worse to be depressed about it? Depression would suggest some level of caring wouldn’t it? (more…)
Sunday, August 7th, 2011 | Permalink
“The road of life twists and turns and no two directions are ever the same. Yet our lessons come from the journey, not the destination.” ~Don Williams, Jr.
A story of extreme depression, self-sabotage, feelings of worthlessness, drug abuse and how I changed it.
When I began writing about my experiences with crystal meth I didn’t know where to begin because my memories were scattered in my head like a new jigsaw puzzle still in the box. I knew I had the pieces but didn’t know which piece to pick first. Over time I began to see a pattern form and was able to put a lot of it into a sensible order and then I saw a bigger picture. One where drugs were not the root of my problem – bipolar disorder was and still is.
This new understanding pushed me further into my past to explore more of what I did and why I did it. I never expected this site to be the amazing therapist it turned out to be! Imagine how much money it would have cost to be in therapy for one and a half years. (more…)
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