Saved by Slow Death

“All the works of man have their origin in creative fantasy. What right have we then to depreciate imagination.” ~Carl Jung

As far back as I can remember I have always loved to be creative from plastering my bedroom walls with crazy things I made (like the dragonfly above), to being an art major in school and now writing here. Somewhere along the line I feel like I lost a lot of what I use to have inside. Continue reading

“Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, surrounded by assholes.” ~William Gibson

Have you ever wondered why you never have a good time no matter how fun the situation should be? Is the fun spoiled by unnecessary drama and petty bickering until what should have been an exciting experience has now turned into an episode of The Real Housewives? Does the drama make you feel bad or depressed about life because you are deprived of actual fun? Continue reading

Howdy people, it’s been a little over a month since I’ve made a peep here. The last thing I told you was how aromatherapy works great on me for depression …except for this last month. Over the last month it did diddly squat for my moods.

I found a quote that did a good job at summing up the past 30 days of depression ….more or less. Continue reading

“The art of medicine consists of amusing the patient while Nature cures the disease.” ~Voltaire

Bad moods and depression suck, and bipolar mood swings are even worse so when I feel one creeping in I usually burn a stick of incense and most of the time, it immediately puts me in a more relaxed and happier place. My partner saw me doing this and he mentioned it’s a form of aromatherapy, but until that moment, I never realized what I was doing.

One fragrance in particular works like a charm – it’s called India Temple Incense from Song of India. No other incense lifts my deprssion the way this one does, but I would think it is preference to some extent. Continue reading

“I do the very best I know how – the very best I can; and I mean to keep on doing so until the end.”  ~Abraham Lincoln

Putting many of my experiences with bipolar disorder into an ebook was a little scary and slightly overwhelming. Those experiences ranged from the deep depression, to drugs, to prostitution and I didn’t know how it would be received. Would people think even less of me or would people understand bipolar disorder a little bit better? I was hoping for the latter. Continue reading

“A lot of people don’t realize that depression is an illness. I don’t wish it on anyone, but if they would know how it feels, I swear they would think twice before they just shrug it.” ~Jonathan Davis

Over the last several days I have been growing more numb inside. My mood isn’t even an obvious depression, but one of  just not caring or giving a damn about anything and that’s the numbness I feel….as if I died on the inside and my body hasn’t caught up yet. I thought about writing here but didn’t because I just didn’t care enough to  …but while I was lying on my bed, I picked up my journal from the nightstand and just wrote and it came out with ease and that is what follows below.

“Things are no better and not sure if they’re worse. Is it worse to not give a damn about anything in my life right now or is it worse to be depressed about it? Depression would suggest some level of caring wouldn’t it? Continue reading

“For all things difficult to acquire, the intelligent man works with perseverance.” ~Lao Tzu

Earlier this morning things were already starting off bad and then I became a little numb. Things kept getting worse and then I was borderline irritable. Then more shit happened and now I’m at full blown, I want to destroy the world, pissed off! Thank you bipolar disorder!

My car is in the shop for an involved repair so I dropped it off this morning and then had to walk all the way home! Thank God I live half a mile up the road but try telling that to my neuropathy! Continue reading

“The road of life twists and turns and no two directions are ever the same. Yet our lessons come from the journey, not the destination.” ~Don Williams, Jr.

A story of extreme depression, self-sabotage, feelings of worthlessness, drug abuse and how I changed it.

When I began writing about my experiences with crystal meth I didn’t know where to begin because my memories were scattered in my head like a new jigsaw puzzle still in the box. I knew I had the pieces but didn’t know which piece to pick first. Over time I began to see a pattern form and was able to put a lot of it into a sensible order and then I saw a bigger picture. One where drugs were not the root of my problem – bipolar disorder was and still is. Continue reading

“Bipolar disorder can be a great teacher. It’s a challenge, but it can set you up to be able to do almost anything else in your life.” ~ Carrie Fisher

I recently began seeing a new case worker and doctor because I have no insurance. The case worker stated that she tends to question when a person is diagnosed with bipolar disorder because it seems to happen too often. Then I began to question if I am bipolar at all. Continue reading

“Oppose not rage while rage is in its force, but give it way a while and let it waste.” ~ William Shakespeare

Being bipolar feels like you are living with a savage beast inside of you. Even though I am medicated, the dark side still has a tendency to come out at the least opportune moments. It is now rare and I usually never have to worry too much.

I was on the phone with my bank when it came without warning. I knew it was there and I had it under control (or so I thought) …..I turned on the television and tried to let it go out with a couple episodes of Will & Grace. Karen usually makes me laugh no matter what is happening in the world. It was working… Continue reading