Saved by Slow Death

“The road of life twists and turns and no two directions are ever the same. Yet our lessons come from the journey, not the destination.” ~Don Williams, Jr.

A story of extreme depression, self-sabotage, feelings of worthlessness, drug abuse and how I changed it.

When I began writing about my experiences with crystal meth I didn’t know where to begin because my memories were scattered in my head like a new jigsaw puzzle still in the box. I knew I had the pieces but didn’t know which piece to pick first. Over time I began to see a pattern form and was able to put a lot of it into a sensible order and then I saw a bigger picture. One where drugs were not the root of my problem – bipolar disorder was and still is. Continue reading

“Bipolar disorder can be a great teacher. It’s a challenge, but it can set you up to be able to do almost anything else in your life.” ~ Carrie Fisher

I recently began seeing a new case worker and doctor because I have no insurance. The case worker stated that she tends to question when a person is diagnosed with bipolar disorder because it seems to happen too often. Then I began to question if I am bipolar at all. Continue reading

“Oppose not rage while rage is in its force, but give it way a while and let it waste.” ~ William Shakespeare

Being bipolar feels like you are living with a savage beast inside of you. Even though I am medicated, the dark side still has a tendency to come out at the least opportune moments. It is now rare and I usually never have to worry too much.

I was on the phone with my bank when it came without warning. I knew it was there and I had it under control (or so I thought) …..I turned on the television and tried to let it go out with a couple episodes of Will & Grace. Karen usually makes me laugh no matter what is happening in the world. It was working… Continue reading

“If people around you aren’t going anywhere, if their dreams are no bigger than hanging out on the corner, or if they’re dragging you down, get rid of them. Negative people can sap your energy so fast, and they can take your dreams from you, too.” ~ Earvin Johnson

Everyone, at one point or another, has had someone in their lives who was a very negative influence. They focus on things that didn’t play out the way they wanted, from the weather, their jobs or lack of, and the ‘son-of-a-bitch’ that cut them off in traffic.

Negative people refuse to see the good in anything and bitch until they turn blue. After their bitch session is over, without taking a breath, they begin to tell you who’s fault it is (and it’s never theirs).

Sometimes it seems they have an addiction to being dramatic and the need for attention. I don’t care if you talk to these people once a year or every day, their behavior rarely changes. When it does change it is ridiculously short-lived. Continue reading

“Each of us has much more hidden inside us than we have had a chance to explore. Unless we create an environment that enables us to discover the limits of our potential, we will never know what we have inside of us.” ~ Muhammad Yunus

All through my life I had a habit of starting things that would never be completed.  Every time something became difficult or did not hold up to my expectations, I quit.  Projects barely got started before I gave up on them.  Who knows how many fantastic opportunities I missed out on. Continue reading

“The most important thing in life is to learn how to give out love, and to let it come in.” ~ Morrie Schwartz

As you may know, I go through a bit of depression and anxiety over my past and begin reliving the nightmares when I felt abused and betrayed by people on meth, while I was using meth.

Yesterday was one of those days. For no reason at all, negative emotions flood through me leaving me angry, sad, depressed, and lonely as if I’m at the bottom of a dark, bottomless, pit. I try not to let it happen but some days it is overwhelming. Continue reading

“He who refuses to embrace a unique opportunity loses the prize as surely as if he had failed.” ~ William James

As of late, my mornings have been like this lovely image I used….very psychedelic!  I have never been much of a morning person but after being medicated for bipolar disorder, my mornings now make me feel like I am in this surreal place. The earlier I wake, the more dreamlike and psychedelic everything seems.

As I sit and sip my coffee, I feel like a giant, fuzzy, cotton ball. I would assume that this feeling is a sign that my meds are working. I kind of like the feeling……no, I really like it! Sometimes I’ll be sitting here with this retarded smile on my face for no reason. Continue reading

“Doctors are men who prescribe medicines of which they know little, to cure diseases of which they know less, in human beings of whom they know nothing.” ~ Voltaire

Here I go again… I am in asshole mode! I have repeatedly tried to write for the past three friggin weeks and have deleted what I write every time. My mood has been really fragile ever since the first week of April.  Bipolar disorder is a bitch!

I write something down, then feel it sounds stupid, then I get frustrated, then I get angry, then I hit delete. I’m hoping I can at least get this out so I can explain where my head is….or is not. Continue reading

“There are seeds of self-destruction in all of us that will bear only unhappiness if allowed to grow.” ~ Dorothea Brande

I continually participated in behavior that could have cost me my life before I was diagnosed as being bipolar in 2006.  The strangest thing was, I never had a clue I was bipolar – being diagnosed was quite a shock.

It Began in the Late 1980′s

Sex was always on my mind, I never seemed to be able to think of anything else. Continue reading

“This old, familiar ache does not feel so much like sadness as it does like death, if death is blunt and heavy and topples into you, knocking you flat.” ~ Marya Hornbacher

I was about to go see a movie with a friend (also a roommate) until I noticed I could not find my shoes. Then I noticed them outside the front door – my friend wore them earlier to hose down and clean the patio area and they were wet and muddy.

I went to look for another pair but then quickly became very agitated. I sat upstairs on the edge of my bed putting on socks and another pair of shoes  – I only got one shoe on and realized how upset I was. I did not want to go to see a movie, I wanted to be pissed off! I tried to relax and control my emotions which should not have been difficult. It has been rather easy to be happy lately. Continue reading