“Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable.” ~Sydney J. Harris
Living with bipolar disorder (undiagnosed) until my late 30′s is making my current life (diagnosed & medicated) far more difficult than I ever would have guessed.
Throughout my life I have made more than my share of bad decisions but they didn’t seem that bad while I was making them, but I had no idea there was a mental illness that was short circuiting my thoughts. When I made a bad decision it never completely registered that it was bad. On some level I knew I was doing something really bad but it had very, very little meaning. (more…)
“Any existence deprived of freedom is a kind of death.” ~ Gen Michel Aoun
This Independence Day I will be having fun with friends all weekend. It’s planned but not too planned as we want to see fireworks, boat races, ride bikes, go out for drinks, enjoy the beach, have a clam bake, plus the stuff we haven’t thought of yet!
A Darker 4th
If I hadn’t quit meth, none of this would be possible. A few short years ago on July 4th I was confined to the sofa or the bed with only enough energy to roll off and crawl to the bathroom a couple times a day. Nearing my death, I was still in denial of what I did to myself with crystal meth. (more…)
“Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.” ~Mahatma Gandhi
I received an email yesterday from a reader who asked me how I quit crystal meth. It made me wonder, have I never mentioned that? I can be very scatter-brained so it’s very likely I haven’t which is shocking, yet not shocking hence the scatter-brain.
There is no simple answer to the question and it’s much too long to write up in one day, so I’ll answer this in a series, today being part one.
Denial to Acceptance
Knowing you have the problem is step one, I know – how very cliché. But true! (more…)
“Bipolar disorder can be a great teacher. It’s a challenge, but it can set you up to be able to do almost anything else in your life.” ~ Carrie Fisher
I recently began seeing a new case worker and doctor because I have no insurance. The case worker stated that she tends to question when a person is diagnosed with bipolar disorder because it seems to happen too often. Then I began to question if I am bipolar at all. (more…)
“I think hard drugs are disgusting. But I must say, I think marijuana is pretty lightweight.”~ Linda McCartney
This blog began because of my former ill-use of meth, among other things, and some may think I should put marijuana in the same category (stops to laugh) but that is absurd, I tell you, absurd! It’s soooo not the same thing at all.
In my humble opinion, pot is absolutely not the “Gateway Drug” that leads to hardcore meth or heroin. <smirk & laugh out loud> It’s like saying, drinking milk as a child led me to drinking Baileys in my eggnog. As a person with real drug experience, that’s how I see it. (more…)
“Good judgment comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgment.” ~ Jim Horning
G (ghb) is one of those date rape drugs which lets someone skip the date and move right to rape. A street name for the drug is even called “Easy Lay.” Need I say more? Yes, yes, “easy lay” also applies to a few of you who never touch the stuff, but that’s another subject entirely.
Popular in drug-facilitated rape because:
It’s colorless and odorless with a salty taste. (watch your Margaritas!) (more…)
“Those who are incapable of committing great crimes do not readily suspect them in others.” ~ Francois De La Rochefoucauld
There is a predator group in the gay, party n play, meth culture that will single you out, play off your paranoia, see how far they can push you, and it becomes their little game. It’s as if they are a lion stalking the weakest member of the herd, or a domestic cat that catches it’s prey and plays with it at length before the kill. Unfortunately, the words “weakest” and “prey,” mean the one who has a conscience, or the younger inexperienced one, or the naïve and trusting one. That person becomes a big target with bright neon lighting. (more…)
“Let him who would enjoy a good future waste none of his present.” ~ Roger Babson
Each and every day I go through memory warfare. Every day something triggers those horrible feelings I experienced on crystal meth – every emotion that comes from a place of fear. The feeling of being abandoned and alone. The feeling of being used and abused, deceived and manipulated….some days it’s as painful as it was the first time I felt them.
I wrote about some of those feelings seven months ago in a post called, Ghosts of Time Gone By, which goes deeper into how I felt….and still feel. Suffice it to say, the memories I had while high on meth were the most frightening experiences I’ve ever had….I mean really, really, horrifying. (more…)
“Experience is a hard teacher because she gives the test first, the lesson afterward.” ~ Vernon Law
I was approximately 1,300 miles away from most of my family when I got mixed up with crystal meth. They had their lives at the opposite end of the country while I was secretly killing myself. It was extremely easy to keep them from ever knowing what I had fallen into.
It would have been different if we had lived close to each other, especially in the same town. I probably would have disappeared most weekends so I could have avoided being caught at my home. My family may have noticed red flags like: (more…)
“What seems to us as bitter trials are often blessings in disguise.” ~ Oscar Wilde
It’s nearing Independence Day and I can hear the fireworks going off in the neighborhood, unfortunately, these sounds always take me back a few years to the worst 4th of July ever. I was approaching my death bed quickly that month and you can read about all that in, Turning Point parts 1 – 4, if you want to know the whole story. If not, I’ll just say it was the end result of 2.5 years of heavy crystal meth use. (more…)
Living with bipolar disorder (undiagnosed) until my late 30′s is making my current life (diagnosed & medicated) far more difficult than I ever would have guessed.
Recent Comments