Saved by Slow Death

“Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable.” ~Sydney J. Harris

Living with bipolar disorder (undiagnosed) until my late 30′s is making my current life (diagnosed & medicated) far more difficult than I ever would have guessed.

Throughout my life I have made more than my share of bad decisions but they didn’t seem that bad while I was making them, but I had no idea there was a mental illness that was short circuiting my thoughts. When I made a bad decision it never completely registered that it was bad. On some level I knew I was doing something really bad but it had very, very little meaning. Continue reading

“Any existence deprived of freedom is a kind of death.” ~ Gen Michel Aoun

This Independence Day I will be having fun with friends all weekend. It’s planned but not too planned as we want to see fireworks, boat races, ride bikes, go out for drinks, enjoy the beach, have a clam bake, plus the stuff we haven’t thought of yet! Continue reading

“Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.” ~Mahatma Gandhi

I received an email yesterday from a reader who asked me how I quit crystal meth. It made me wonder, have I never mentioned that? I can be very scatter-brained so it’s very likely I haven’t which is shocking, yet not shocking hence the scatter-brain.

There is no simple answer to the question and it’s much too long to write up in one day, so I’ll answer this in a series, today being part one.

Denial to Acceptance

Knowing you have the problem is step one, I know – how very cliché. But true! Continue reading

“Bipolar disorder can be a great teacher. It’s a challenge, but it can set you up to be able to do almost anything else in your life.” ~ Carrie Fisher

I recently began seeing a new case worker and doctor because I have no insurance. The case worker stated that she tends to question when a person is diagnosed with bipolar disorder because it seems to happen too often. Then I began to question if I am bipolar at all. Continue reading

“I think hard drugs are disgusting. But I must say, I think marijuana is pretty lightweight.”~ Linda McCartney

This blog began because of my former ill-use of meth, among other things, and some may think I should put marijuana in the same category (stops to laugh) but that is absurd, I tell you, absurd!  It’s soooo not the same thing at all.

In my humble opinion, pot is absolutely not the “Gateway Drug” that leads to hardcore meth or heroin.  <smirk & laugh out loud>  It’s like saying, drinking milk as a child led me to drinking Baileys in my eggnog.  As a person with real drug experience, that’s how I see it.   Continue reading

“Good judgment comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgment.” ~ Jim Horning

G (ghb) is one of those date rape drugs which lets someone skip the date and move right to rape. A street name for the drug is even called “Easy Lay.” Need I say more? Yes, yes, “easy lay” also applies to a few of you who never touch the stuff, but that’s another subject entirely.

Popular in drug-facilitated rape because:

It’s colorless and odorless with a salty taste. (watch your Margaritas!) Continue reading

“Those who are incapable of committing great crimes do not readily suspect them in others.” ~ Francois De La Rochefoucauld

There is a predator group in the gay, party n play, meth culture that will single you out, play off your paranoia, see how far they can push you, and it becomes their little game. It’s as if they are a lion stalking the weakest member of the herd, or a domestic cat that catches it’s prey and plays with it at length before the kill. Unfortunately, the words “weakest” and “prey,” mean the one who has a conscience, or the younger inexperienced one, or the naïve and trusting one. That person becomes a big target with bright neon lighting. Continue reading

“Let him who would enjoy a good future waste none of his present.” ~ Roger Babson

Each and every day I go through memory warfare.  Every day something triggers those horrible feelings I experienced on crystal meth – every emotion that comes from a place of fear. The feeling of being abandoned and alone. The feeling of being used and abused, deceived and manipulated….some days it’s as painful as it was the first time I felt them.

I wrote about some of those feelings seven months ago in a post called, Ghosts of Time Gone By, which goes deeper into how I felt….and still feel.  Suffice it to say, the memories I had while high on meth were the most frightening experiences I’ve ever had….I mean really, really, horrifying. Continue reading

I have no idea what is on the TV behind me but I just heard a woman say she’s a “Psycho Virgo Perfectionist.” Then my boyfriend literally laughed out loud and pointed directly at ME! Okay, I am a Virgo…and yes, I tend to be a perfectionist…..and apparently, my boyfriend says I have psycho moments. Hmmmm. I have to be honest, I agree with him. Here’s the thing, I am a Virgo and am always right…..but he is a Leo, which means he thinks he’s always right. HA! I mean that in the most loving way. It’s humor people! Continue reading

“Better a little caution than a great regret.” ~George Clason

I never wanted to know what ingredients went into Crystal Meth while I was using it, but since I have quit, I thought what the hell. I understand some ingredients are allegedly not in the final product due to chemical reaction, assuming it’s made correctly, and that’s a BIG and STUPID assumption! Meth labs aren’t known for safety.

PROFESSIONAL CHEMISTS ARE NOT MAKING IT

Let’s hope that’s not what our trusted chemists are anyway! The important thing to remember is strung out people of unknown backgrounds are often cooking it up in dirty garages, basements and God knows where and that’s the scary part! I think it’s safe to say meth labs have no quality control department and if it comes out slightly wrong they aren’t going to do a mass recall! God only knows what you end up with in the end. Continue reading