Saved by Slow Death

“Experience is a hard teacher because she gives the test first, the lesson afterward.” ~ Vernon Law

I was approximately 1,300 miles away from most of my family when I got mixed up with crystal meth. They had their lives at the opposite end of the country while I was secretly killing myself. It was extremely easy to keep them from ever knowing what I had fallen into.

It would have been different if we had lived close to each other, especially in the same town. I probably would have disappeared most weekends so I could have avoided being caught at my home.  My family may have noticed red flags like: Continue reading

“What seems to us as bitter trials are often blessings in disguise.” ~ Oscar Wilde

It’s nearing Independence Day and I can hear the fireworks going off in the neighborhood, unfortunately, these sounds always take me back a few years to the worst 4th of July ever. I was approaching my death bed quickly that month and you can read about all that in, Turning Point parts 1 – 4, if you want to know the whole story. If not, I’ll just say it was the end result of 2.5 years of heavy crystal meth use. Continue reading

“Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.” ~ Maria Robinson

One of the reasons I am still alive today is because of the length of time it takes crystal meth to kill you.  Each time I used crystal meth it killed me a little bit more physically and mentally. Even the anticipation of using crystal meth increased my heart rate and I would feel like I was going to hyperventilate.

I began to age faster, but not fast enough to notice right away. One day I saw myself in the mirror and didn’t know who was looking back at me. I kept thinking I just needed more sleep – talk about an understatement.  More time progressed and my reflection began to frighten me. Continue reading

“Methamphetamine is a hideous drug. Meth makes a person become paranoid, violent, and aggressive – making them a serious threat to society and law enforcement. And maybe more importantly, meth users are a threat to their own children and families.” ~ Dirk Kempthorne

I have to acknowledge more about my relationship with my now deceased boyfriend, Simon. It was my association with him that led me down the road of heavy drug use, namely crystal meth.

I have to admit I was already using before I met him, but it got far worse and far darker after I met him. It wasn’t as though he pushed me into it because I pursued him. I often wonder if I pursued him for all the wrong reasons. I don’t know why I wonder because I know it was for the wrong reasons. Continue reading

“Music expresses that which cannot be put into words and cannot remain silent.” ~ Victor Hugo

As I sit here at my desk, I have an incense burning, have music playing, and the dog and cat are curled up in their beds. These are the simple things in life I appreciate more than ever. My happiness is real and I feel more alive than I have felt in my forty years on this earth. I feel as though I was just born because I finally figured out how to live, how to love, how to embrace the good that is all around me. Everything else, I let go. Continue reading

“Some of us can be examples about going ahead and growing, and some of us, unfortunately, don’t make it there, and end up being examples because they had to die. I hit rock bottom, but thank God my bottom wasn’t death.” ~ Stevie Ray Vaughan

Continue reading

“The most important thing in life is to learn how to give out love, and to let it come in.” ~ Morrie Schwartz

As you may know, I go through a bit of depression and anxiety over my past and begin reliving the nightmares when I felt abused and betrayed by people on meth, while I was using meth.

Yesterday was one of those days. For no reason at all, negative emotions flood through me leaving me angry, sad, depressed, and lonely as if I’m at the bottom of a dark, bottomless, pit. I try not to let it happen but some days it is overwhelming. Continue reading

“He who refuses to embrace a unique opportunity loses the prize as surely as if he had failed.” ~ William James

As of late, my mornings have been like this lovely image I used….very psychedelic!  I have never been much of a morning person but after being medicated for bipolar disorder, my mornings now make me feel like I am in this surreal place. The earlier I wake, the more dreamlike and psychedelic everything seems.

As I sit and sip my coffee, I feel like a giant, fuzzy, cotton ball. I would assume that this feeling is a sign that my meds are working. I kind of like the feeling……no, I really like it! Sometimes I’ll be sitting here with this retarded smile on my face for no reason. Continue reading

“Music and rhythm find their way into the secret places of the soul.” ~ Plato

I remember hearing the them song to The Valley of The Dolls years ago, then heard the 1997 re-release by K.D. Lang, just this past year (yes, a little late). I never read the novel or saw the movie but the lyrics to the theme song really stirred up some emotions. They are really simple and uncomplicated lyrics, but along with the music, and K.D. Lang‘s amazing voice, they capture that feeling of hopelessness, sadness, and confusion I felt several years ago. Continue reading

“If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.” ~ The Dalai Lama

The ugly truth of associating with meth addicts is that you have an excellent chance of being used and abused. When you “party” with them you are not their friend and they definitely are not yours. You may hear, “I’m doing this for you,” or “I’m trying to make you happy.” Don’t fall for it, their only concern is making themselves happy and you are just a tool. Continue reading