Saved by Slow Death

“Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable.” ~Sydney J. Harris

Living with bipolar disorder (undiagnosed) until my late 30′s is making my current life (diagnosed & medicated) far more difficult than I ever would have guessed.

Throughout my life I have made more than my share of bad decisions but they didn’t seem that bad while I was making them, but I had no idea there was a mental illness that was short circuiting my thoughts. When I made a bad decision it never completely registered that it was bad. On some level I knew I was doing something really bad but it had very, very little meaning. Continue reading

“Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers. And once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it.” ~ Bill Cosby

I think I have talked about the depressing parts of my life for long enough. All the stories of drug abuse, hallucinations, fear, illness, and the rest. I have noticed I seldom think about them now which makes it really, really, tough to write about. Writing here on this blog has led to an enormous release of pain and I am grateful. Continue reading

“At any moment, you have a choice, that either leads you closer to your spirit or further away from it.” ~ Thich Nhat Hanh

My mom always says, “If it’s something you can’t tell your mother about, you probably shouldn’t be doing it.” I think she is right, I think we all have an inner knowing of what is right or wrong without anyone having to tell us.

Being bipolar throws a wrench into that way of thinking – for me it meant knowing this difference between acceptable or unacceptable behavior but not giving a damn which one I chose. I didn’t worry myself with consequences or what people thought about me, I just did things on a whim and said, “whatever.” Continue reading

“Drugs are not always necessary, but belief in recovery always is.“ ~ Norman Cousins

In the short span of about two years I destroyed my health doing drugs which nearly ended my life. When I was hospitalized in the summer of 2006, I had full blown AIDS and my t-cell count was around ONE. I had heard when this happens, it is sometimes hard for the immune system to ever recover. Continue reading