Saved by Slow Death

“For each new morning with its light, For rest and shelter of the night, For health and food, for love and friends, For everything Thy goodness sends.” ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

I’ve been thinking about my recent self-diagnosis of psychological and emotional trauma and sure, I probably shouldn’t be self-diagnose myself and I also think I was having an unusually bad week! At the same time I still do think I suffered psychologically and emotionally from using meth with a bunch of A-holes ….that is a fact. Continue reading

“The scars you can’t see are the hardest to heal.” ~Astrid Alauda

There was a time after I stopped using meth and began medication for bipolar disorder when I felt exceptionally well. I felt healed and I thought the worst was all behind me then that wave of regret kept coming at me at an alarming frequency and I thought it was just the anxiety of past mistakes.

I always realized I had suffered emotionally and psychologically but I never realized that it was yet another form of trauma that went much deeper than I originally thought. I now know that I have been seriously traumatized, emotionally and psychologically, by events from my past. The events during my meth use that connected me to people who were masters at psychological games and abuse. Continue reading

“Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable.” ~Sydney J. Harris

Living with bipolar disorder (undiagnosed) until my late 30′s is making my current life (diagnosed & medicated) far more difficult than I ever would have guessed.

Throughout my life I have made more than my share of bad decisions but they didn’t seem that bad while I was making them, but I had no idea there was a mental illness that was short circuiting my thoughts. When I made a bad decision it never completely registered that it was bad. On some level I knew I was doing something really bad but it had very, very little meaning. Continue reading

“I do the very best I know how – the very best I can; and I mean to keep on doing so until the end.”  ~Abraham Lincoln

Putting many of my experiences with bipolar disorder into an ebook was a little scary and slightly overwhelming. Those experiences ranged from the deep depression, to drugs, to prostitution and I didn’t know how it would be received. Would people think even less of me or would people understand bipolar disorder a little bit better? I was hoping for the latter. Continue reading

“The greatest of follies is to sacrifice health for any other kind of happiness.“ ~Arthur Schopenhauer

Anyone living with HIV and using meth should ask themselves, “Do I want to live or do I want to die?” You can’t have both as I found out, I did many things in my life that would make it seem I had chosen to die and I nearly succeeded. I realized I really wanted to live!

I can’t think of anything worse for your health than doing crystal meth while living with HIV. Jumping into an active volcano would be better because it would be over quickly as opposed to the drawn out ugly death.

Sure, you feel invincible on meth but guess what? You are more vulnerable to …..shit, to everything and you’re really signing your own death certificate. Continue reading

“I have nothing to offer but blood, toil, tears and sweat.” ~Winston Churchill

This ebook contains a very personal and very true story of some of my struggles. Bipolar disorder made it easy to do very unhealthy things which is why I am where I am. I have burned bridges and have a poor work history due to a life of bad bipolar induced decisions. Below are some excerpts from my ebook, “Journey of a Dragonfly.” Continue reading

“The road of life twists and turns and no two directions are ever the same. Yet our lessons come from the journey, not the destination.” ~Don Williams, Jr.

A story of extreme depression, self-sabotage, feelings of worthlessness, drug abuse and how I changed it.

When I began writing about my experiences with crystal meth I didn’t know where to begin because my memories were scattered in my head like a new jigsaw puzzle still in the box. I knew I had the pieces but didn’t know which piece to pick first. Over time I began to see a pattern form and was able to put a lot of it into a sensible order and then I saw a bigger picture. One where drugs were not the root of my problem – bipolar disorder was and still is. Continue reading

“There is no Challenge more challenging than the challenge to improve yourself.” ~Michael F. Staley

After surviving my meth problem and after I did my time in the hospital I encountered an unexpected challenge. I began associating meth with sex, and sex with meth and it became very difficult to think of one without the other. They were two very different things that, over time, had become one. Fear made me hold on to both for a little while longer.

Sex

Being the social animals that we are, we all wish for a warm body to be close to at one time or another. Either you want sex or just crave some type of physical contact with another human being. It’s a natural yearning most of us have and there’s only so long you can go without. Continue reading

“Any existence deprived of freedom is a kind of death.” ~ Gen Michel Aoun

This Independence Day I will be having fun with friends all weekend. It’s planned but not too planned as we want to see fireworks, boat races, ride bikes, go out for drinks, enjoy the beach, have a clam bake, plus the stuff we haven’t thought of yet! Continue reading

“If you’re a meth addict you either throw in the towel and go into treatment, or you scramble to find some other way to get it.” ~Curt Smith

Many of us have heard of the website, Faces of Meth, that show before and after photos of meth addicts. These pictures are frightening enough but the face meth gave me was a bit different. The face you see above is my face after more than two years of heavy meth use which led directly to the poorest health of my life. Continue reading