Saved by Slow Death

“Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable.” ~Sydney J. Harris

Living with bipolar disorder (undiagnosed) until my late 30′s is making my current life (diagnosed & medicated) far more difficult than I ever would have guessed.

Throughout my life I have made more than my share of bad decisions but they didn’t seem that bad while I was making them, but I had no idea there was a mental illness that was short circuiting my thoughts. When I made a bad decision it never completely registered that it was bad. On some level I knew I was doing something really bad but it had very, very little meaning. Continue reading

“The greatest of follies is to sacrifice health for any other kind of happiness.“ ~Arthur Schopenhauer

Anyone living with HIV and using meth should ask themselves, “Do I want to live or do I want to die?” You can’t have both as I found out, I did many things in my life that would make it seem I had chosen to die and I nearly succeeded. I realized I really wanted to live!

I can’t think of anything worse for your health than doing crystal meth while living with HIV. Jumping into an active volcano would be better because it would be over quickly as opposed to the drawn out ugly death.

Sure, you feel invincible on meth but guess what? You are more vulnerable to …..shit, to everything and you’re really signing your own death certificate. Continue reading

“I think hard drugs are disgusting. But I must say, I think marijuana is pretty lightweight.”~ Linda McCartney

This blog began because of my former ill-use of meth, among other things, and some may think I should put marijuana in the same category (stops to laugh) but that is absurd, I tell you, absurd!  It’s soooo not the same thing at all.

In my humble opinion, pot is absolutely not the “Gateway Drug” that leads to hardcore meth or heroin.  <smirk & laugh out loud>  It’s like saying, drinking milk as a child led me to drinking Baileys in my eggnog.  As a person with real drug experience, that’s how I see it.   Continue reading

“When you are grateful fear disappears and abundance appears.” ~ Anthony Robbins

Recently, a friend asked me a question about my experience with methamphetamines and illness. If I weren’t so ill I may not have needed urgent hospitalization and I may have kept using Meth, among other things (GHB, ecstasy, & God knows what else). I saw signs and other red flags that should have caused me to quit meth but they were ignored and dismissed. Continue reading

“Better a little caution than a great regret.” ~George Clason

I never wanted to know what ingredients went into Crystal Meth while I was using it, but since I have quit, I thought what the hell. I understand some ingredients are allegedly not in the final product due to chemical reaction, assuming it’s made correctly, and that’s a BIG and STUPID assumption! Meth labs aren’t known for safety.

PROFESSIONAL CHEMISTS ARE NOT MAKING IT

Let’s hope that’s not what our trusted chemists are anyway! The important thing to remember is strung out people of unknown backgrounds are often cooking it up in dirty garages, basements and God knows where and that’s the scary part! I think it’s safe to say meth labs have no quality control department and if it comes out slightly wrong they aren’t going to do a mass recall! God only knows what you end up with in the end. Continue reading

“Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.” ~ Maria Robinson

One of the reasons I am still alive today is because of the length of time it takes crystal meth to kill you.  Each time I used crystal meth it killed me a little bit more physically and mentally. Even the anticipation of using crystal meth increased my heart rate and I would feel like I was going to hyperventilate.

I began to age faster, but not fast enough to notice right away. One day I saw myself in the mirror and didn’t know who was looking back at me. I kept thinking I just needed more sleep – talk about an understatement.  More time progressed and my reflection began to frighten me. Continue reading

“Methamphetamine is a hideous drug. Meth makes a person become paranoid, violent, and aggressive – making them a serious threat to society and law enforcement. And maybe more importantly, meth users are a threat to their own children and families.” ~ Dirk Kempthorne

I have to acknowledge more about my relationship with my now deceased boyfriend, Simon. It was my association with him that led me down the road of heavy drug use, namely crystal meth.

I have to admit I was already using before I met him, but it got far worse and far darker after I met him. It wasn’t as though he pushed me into it because I pursued him. I often wonder if I pursued him for all the wrong reasons. I don’t know why I wonder because I know it was for the wrong reasons. Continue reading

“Some of us can be examples about going ahead and growing, and some of us, unfortunately, don’t make it there, and end up being examples because they had to die. I hit rock bottom, but thank God my bottom wasn’t death.” ~ Stevie Ray Vaughan

Continue reading

“If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.” ~ The Dalai Lama

The ugly truth of associating with meth addicts is that you have an excellent chance of being used and abused. When you “party” with them you are not their friend and they definitely are not yours. You may hear, “I’m doing this for you,” or “I’m trying to make you happy.” Don’t fall for it, their only concern is making themselves happy and you are just a tool. Continue reading

“Tough times never last, but tough people do.” ~ Robert Schuller

One of the toughest things about crystal meth are the frightening hallucinations which are frequently caused by the lack of sleep.

I heard things that were enough to drive a person mad, and I think they nearly did. Hearing these things would end up causing me to break down and the roller-coaster ride of paranoia and hallucinations would be unstoppable. Continue reading