Things May Have Been Far Worse Than I Thought

“When a sinister person means to be your enemy, they always start by trying to become your friend.” ~ William Blake

This week has been awful, my anxiety has sky-rocketed over disturbing thoughts I have been having about my past meth use. So here I am, about to get a little more out of my system so I can try to just let it go.

I have been learning more about the gay drug culture and it has been totally freaking me out. My current boyfriend has been telling me stories about his own experiences with drugs and those who are deeply rooted in that lifestyle. As I learn about his history, I can’t help but reevaluate my own memories and it has made them even more disturbing.

It has been tough reliving those memories again… realizing I may have been in a more threatening environment than I thought. The pieces are fitting together too well to ignore. I could probably take everything I’ve ever written on the subject of drugs and rewrite them all from with this new perspective. Then again, I could probably do that forever.

My first post from November 2009 was called, I Began to Wake Up, which is what I feel like I am doing all over again. I feel like I am no longer in a state of denial about my past which I may have sugar-coated because I preferred not to believe how bad it might have really been. I feel like I did not want to face what was happening to me…. I did not want to think that I was that naïve! I am realizing I was totally unprepared for what I had gotten myself into…..and those demon spawn, drug pushers were feeding off of that.

There is another world out there full of predators without a conscience who amuse themselves by playing with your sanity They have no rules, they do as they please and don’t see people as someone’s child, or someone’s brother, they see you as a thing to torture and to see how far they can push you to the edge.

This is all I can stand to think about today. It’s a start, I’ll have more to share as I makes sense of it all.

Tags: anxiety, crystal meth, meth, recovery, revelation, William Blake quote

This entry was posted on Sunday, October 31st, 2010 at 10:30 am by Darrin and is filed under Gay Life, Illegal Drugs. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.