“Suffering is but another name for the teaching of experience, which is the parent of instruction and the schoolmaster of life.” ~ Horace
The story that follows comes immediately after, I Began to Wake Up. If you haven’t read it yet, you may want to get a little background.
I consider this to be the most important time of my life because I feel I grew more at this time than all my previous years put together – I was 37 at the time.
The challenges throughout the next month and a half were difficult to say the least. As hard as it was to go through, I consider it to have been a positive experience in many ways. If it weren’t for these events, I would not be who I am now and I’m happier with who I’ve become versus the person I use to be.
Sick Beyond Recognition
I had become so ill I didn’t look the same – I was something else entirely. A neighbor stopped by and didn’t recognize me from the person he spoke to a couple months before. He apologized and said he didn’t know others had moved in and I didn’t correct him as I was floored I had gotten that bad.
Wake Up Call
It was another day and I woke up alive, but I wasn’t sure how many more times I would be able to do that and it frightened me. My condition declined so rapidly I don’t think I was fully aware of how I looked or how sick I’d become until just hours before.
I called my mother…or she called me, it’s hard to remember, and I told her of my situation because up until then I had hidden it from family. She knew I was not feeling well, but she didn’t know she would never have recognized me.
I told my mother about my situation she begged me to get to the hospital immediately. I told her I thought I was dying and didn’t want to die which has to be heart-wrenching for a mother to hear. I promised her I would go see my doctor who has an office at the hospital – the same doctor I had been seeing up til 2 weeks prior because I had felt too sick to go.
Lack of Urgency
I was still pretty calm and do not remember being in a hurry, but I knew I would be admitted to the hospital so I packed a small bag and proceeded out to the car where Simon was already seated behind the wheel.
I was barley standing – hugging the walls of the front room – inch by inch I made it out onto the front porch. It was a typical blistering hot August afternoon in Florida yet I was still bundled up in a sweatshirt and hood for fear someone would see me.
As I went down the three steps to the sidewalk, I lost my balance and fell to the ground below. I could barely get myself up to get to the car just five feet away. I looked to see if my boyfriend, Simon, was getting out to help me – he wasn’t – he was sitting there waiting and doing nothing about my fall and I was confused and worried by his lack of action.
Arrive at Hospital
We pulled up to the front entrance and Simon went inside to find a wheelchair and was back out in a few minutes.
Going up the elevator I remember becoming calm as if a wave washed over me letting me know that everything would be fine. Don’t ask me how I knew, but I just did.
When I was wheeled into the doctor’s waiting room I had Simon position my chair so no one could look at me at my request. The wait seemed like an eternity and I was so cold.
My doctor came in and sat down and I’ll always remember the look on his face – I could tell he was afraid I might not make it.
Read Part II
Turning Point II – Happy To Be Hospitalized
The wonderful morphine drip and
Simon’s ALARMING phone call!
Tags: addiction, AIDS, awakening, drugs, fungal infection, hiv, Horace quote, Illness (and healing), meth, Methamphetamine, steven johnson syndrome, syphillis, turning point
I don’t mean to sound morbid, but can you explain what you mean when you say “…looked awful”? You said you were hiding your face from people, but it’s not explained exactly why.
Or maybe this will all become more clear in future writings?
Adam, good question. I didn’t describe it since this was kind of a follow-up to, “I Began to Wake Up,” where I gave some physical description. Maybe I should have included it again, at least described in a different way. Thanks for pointing that out. I’ll make sure to give a description in part 2
Maybe a photo of myself then would be good?
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